Photo: Tim Klein
Wanna get paid to bump uglies? Make bouncy? Other euphemisms? Slow down, shooter. There’s a lot more to it than disrobing and donning a love glove. We asked Jack Hafferkamp, who casts for Chicago’s Libido Films, to lay out the essential steps to breaking into the porn industry.
1
You oughta be in (naked) pictures Get someone to shoot flattering nudie photos of you. A four-part composite should do the job—but be sure to show off your body (a.k.a. the moneymaker).
2
Fade in the bow chicka wow wow Make your own video. Seriously. Show it to your friends. Watch it yourself. Yeah, gross—but if you can’t take that kind of heat, stay out of the proverbial kitchen. “I can’t tell you how many people get cold feet the day before a shoot,” Hafferkamp says. Also, avoid posting the video on funnyordie.com.
3
Where do you get off? In Los Angeles, Hafferkamp says, the next step would be to seek out representation—but our hometown agencies won’t accept your, ahem, caliber of talent. He recommends contacting local studios (Google
Chicago porn, not
medieval fuck-fiesta), and warns of gigs found on Craigslist and ads in the
Reader—there’s a chance they’re not legit, and the people in charge might be supersleazy. Always bring a buddy to casting calls.
4
Let’s get it on…a rubber, that is Hafferkamp’s guidance is direct: “Never get yourself into a situation where you’re going to do something you wouldn’t normally do in your regular life. Insist on seeing everyone’s STD documentation. Insist on condoms. And never underestimate the value of Google to dig up the dirt on your [film] partner.”
5
Think long. And hard. “There are lots of downsides to the porn industry: disease, being ostracized socially, unscrupulous people taking advantage of you,” Hafferkamp says. “But people do it as a statement of independence…and there’s a rock-star cachet to it.” While you’re weighing the pros and cons, he recommends visiting the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation
(aim-med.org) and viewing “Porn 101”—a video that details the many, many STD tests you’ll have to take to get it on in film. So…much…blood. But hey, after that, you’re in. And not the way you’re thinking—we mean sexually.
