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I went to crobar the other night and it was so nice. My best friend Lucy and I were dressed to impress, and impress we did. There were people drinking and the lights were on and blinking and drinks. It was nice there.
Let me tell you, the fun we had. Danced and then drank drinks called appletinis, then talked to some nice people who were dressed to impress. We felt so nice. I wasn’t sure if it was the lights or the drinks or the dancing, but both Lucy and I looked tan in Chicago in the winter. What’s up with that? We liked it.
At one point a song was playing and it had this great rhythm so Lucy and I looked at each other, like, “We should be dancing,” so we went out onto the dance floor where all the people there were dressed well and some were smiling but some were serious. Lucy and I mostly danced with each other because we liked the rhythm, and we knew it would attract guys. Lucy met a guy so I said, “Go be with that guy,” and I danced with some of the smiling people.
I don’t think anyone recognized me as Miss USA, which might have hurt my feelings if I wasn’t feeling so nice. One of them asked me how I got so tan, and I said, “It’s the lights or maybe the drinks,” and then I said, “How did your hair get so dark?” But he just kind of smiled and kept on dancing with the other smiling people. I got another nice drink that tasted like apples dipped in alcohol.
The bathroom was great. So white.
After a while the lights got darker, which was nice. I sat on a barstool with nice padding. Lucy and the guy were off dancing but I couldn’t see them because it was darker. I sat there, smiling. In rehab they said that if we ever felt like we were getting out of control to go to a nice place in our brains where we could gain control. I gained it.
The DJs at crobar play music that is somewhere between techno and dance, with a little bit of rhythm thrown in. It’s the perfect place to go out and see people who are...
Read more in next week's issue of TOC: Trump On Chicago!
Is this some kind of joke? Yes, actually. The above was part of TOC's 2008 April Fool's issue. Read more about it here.
k
Mon, Mar 31, at 12:07pm
Please say that she won't be writing anymore. Take away any communication materials she owns.
theshiznit
Thu, Mar 27, at 03:33pm
I'm hoping that both the Donald Trump buying TOC and this article are April fool's jokes.
Mr Rogers
Thu, Mar 27, at 01:42pm
“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps to Crobar…and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as in South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, and SoundLounge and Sonotech and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children so they don’t have to think and can go to nice nightclubs and meet nice smiling people and have a nice time."
Zeuss
Thu, Mar 27, at 01:37pm
This is the same girl who was de-throned for photos leaking of her letting guys do body shots off her tummy. Classy broad you hired. This article gives Ms South Carolina (Iraq, maps, etc) a run for her money in the stupidity competition.
Eore
Thu, Mar 27, at 01:34pm
BTW, she used the word "nice" 10 times.
Michael
Thu, Mar 27, at 10:46am
that's hilarious. i love the new TOC! more hot girls writing articles! fewer English majors! keep it up.
Lynn
Thu, Mar 27, at 08:34am
And I really hope this isn't what we are looking forward to in these upcoming issues of TOC. If so, I am definitely canceling my subscription. Doesn't anybody read this before it goes to print? I can't believe you guys actually put this out there! Is this some kind of a joke?
Lynn
Thu, Mar 27, at 08:32am
Seriously? If you need someone to write commentary, I know of 2 dogs and a cat that can do better than this. I agree with Huckster, this is embarassing.
Huckster
Thu, Mar 27, at 07:09am
You can't be serious. This girls dumber than a box of rocks. Does Trump have something to do with hiring Miss USA to "write" in this pub? Please tell me this is some kind of joke. You guys have an intelligently-written magazine. Well you did until now. This is just embarassing.
