Pabst Blue Ribbon
Fizzy facts PBR might have made Milwaukee famous, but its corporate headquarters are now in suburban Woodridge. Pabst closed its last brewery—in Allentown, Pennsylvania—in 2001. It’s now brewed on contract by SABMiller.
Flavor There’s a reason this brew still wins medals at beer festivals (in 2005 at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver, for instance). It’s still a classic lager, with a kiss of hops, but none of the bitterness.
Belch barometer Long, vociferous and urgent. With some control, you can burp your vital information to the police when you’re picked up for public drunkenness.
Hangover factor Medium. After a 12-pack of PBR, your head feels like it’s been packed with acid-soaked cotton balls.
Cheapest we’ve found $2 a bottle at Cindy’s Our Place (3534 W Belmont Ave, 773-588-4390)

Coors Light
Fizzy facts Where do we start? The federal lawsuit over discriminatory hiring practices? The money the company gives to conservative causes? The hiring of Dick Cheney’s angry lesbian daughter as a “community liaison” to gays and lesbians? The underreported fact that Coors is the mastermind behind so-called craft beer Blue Moon?
Flavor How this beer can be simultaneously overly sweet and mouth-puckeringly bitter is beyond us. But it is.
Belch barometer Eating while slamming a can is not advised.
Hangover factor Only masochists drink a 12-pack of this. The hangover from this beer makes us long for the sweet caress of death.
Cheapest we’ve found $2.50 a bottle at Trading Post (4225 W Fullerton Ave, 773-489-2826)

Hamm’s
Fizzy facts The Hamm’s Beer Bear, the brewery’s longtime mascot, was named Sascha, after the wife of Hamm’s cofounder A.F. Kellar. Once the pride of Minnesota, today Hamm’s is part of the SABMiller portfolio, with limited distribution outside of the Midwest.
Flavor Overly sweet and malty, like tupelo honey.
 Belch barometer Loud and wet-sounding, like a cow chewing cud.
Hangover factor Like the “sky-blue water” that used to go into this beer, Hamm’s leaves you with little to no hangover, even after drinking a 12-pack.
Cheapest we’ve found $1.50 a can at Village Tavern (6912 W Belmont Ave, 773-736-9050)

Milwaukee’s Best
Fizzy facts It’s often mistaken as an offshoot of Old Milwaukee, but Milwaukee’s Best was created by Miller as an “economy” label.
Flavor There’s a reason it’s know as “The Beast.” Imagine the taste of Miller High Life watered down.
Belch barometer Like a motorcycle engine shifting gears, complete with Doppler effect.
Hangover factor Roll out of bed, take an aspirin, eat a greasy meal and roll back into bed. Just give up on the day.
Cheapest we’ve found $2.99 for a six-pack at Binny’s Beverage Depot (true, it’s not a dive bar, but damn that’s cheap! For locations, visit binnys.com)