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Published on 7/4/08
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Pub crawls and I go together like…ugh, I’m too hungover to finish that thought. Let’s just say I’m more of a settle-in-for-the-long-haul type than a combine-boozing-with-physical-activity type. But when faced with a crawl that was right up my alley (not to mention in my ’hood), it was pointless to resist. The plan was simple: Hit up a few of those bars whose only demarcation is an Old Style sign hanging outside. How could one tell apart these bars that are seemingly indistinguishable? Start by asking the bartender what the heck the place is called. Beyond that, it’s pretty easy. In the spirit of the crawl, my boozing companions and I stuck to Old Styles all night.
My first stop was Ed and Jean’s(2032 W Armitage Ave), where I was greeted by Miller, a friendly, big, black dog. At $2.75 a bottle, beer was affordable and the environs inviting…provided you seriously love junk. Like, you love it so much you can’t bear to leave your grandma’s cluttered basement and your car is full of trolls. But hey, pool is free, the bartender is friendly and the crowd—if you can call two dudes on a Monday night a “crowd”—is welcoming.
Sadly, we couldn’t stay. More Old Style signs awaited us, and next up was The Corner(2224 N Leavitt St). Were we cheating because, in addition to the Old Style sign, the bar had an awning? Perhaps. Did it matter? Not a bit—at $4.75 for a pitcher, the Corner was practically paying me to drink. The extremely personable bartender Ruthie asked us if it was our first time there (it was) and proceeded to rattle off the daily drink specials, asked us where we were from and encouraged us to bring our dogs to the pooch-friendly establishment. At that point, one of the regulars took off her wig and placed it on a perky cocker spaniel’s head to the delight of her low-key, middle-aged posse. I’m considering getting a dog just so I can bring it to the Corner and let hilarity ensue.
Cheap pitchers be damned! I had an agenda. We left Ruthie and headed to the Western Tap(2044 N Western Ave), where we were greeted by a locked door. As dismay washed over my companions and me, the bartender spotted us through the window and quickly unlocked the Old Style fortress to let us in. We were the only people there, and if I had to guess, some of the only women to set foot in the bar for quite some time: After serving us $2 bottles, the bartender rushed off to clean the ladies’ bathroom. I decided to accept the “spongeworthy” Seinfeld rerun playing in the background as a good sign, plus the bartender gave me a free lighter. Bonus! Once King of Queens came on, though, it was my cue to bounce.
A quick ride on the Western bus dropped us at Gus Tap(1013 N Western Ave), an immaculate joint with a mirrored cross hanging above the well-stocked bar. See? Jesus wants me to do this. Between the $2.25 bottles, Friends on one TV and Cops on the other, I felt right at home. Equally homey for some people may be the scale in the women’s bathroom. I thought for sure peeing would help me lose weight, so I took before-and-after measurements, only to discover I was mistaken. And should probably go on a diet if “peeing at a bar” is my fitness plan.
I peeled my self-esteem off the floor, and we pressed on to Sportsman (948 N Western Ave), where obscenely loud Polish techno was paired with $2.50 bottles. The bowling game in the back looked fun, but the two regulars and the bartender were engaged in a pretty hard-core round-robin on which we dared not intrude.
Instead, I finished my night at Stella’s Sports Bar(935 N Western Ave), a comfy, laid-back spot with the biggest mob of the night (around 15 people). The bottles were $2.50, and a friendly fellow who introduced himself as “Mister Eddie” bought me and my pals a round, too, pushing my liver to its extreme. When you head to Stella’s, go with a crew—I couldn’t figure out how to lock the bathroom door, so you’ll need a buddy to guard it for you. Or you can learn that one the hard way when someone walks in on you, which is what happened to me when I foolishly took my chances using the men’s room. Hope you enjoyed the show, RJ! With Queen rocking off the jukebox and a jovial game of pool going on in the back, I barely noticed that it was almost 2am by the time we called it a night.
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