TATTERED TALE The Pirate Queen was big on hair, small on thrills.

First failed eatery owned by a member of the Dream TeamWho says you can’t mix sweat and sandwiches? Patrons of Michael Jordan’s Restaurant, that’s who. Lasting six short years, the memorabilia-bedecked River North sports bar/restaurant/MJ homage retired when Jordan did in 1999.

First failed pirate-themed musical
Swashbuckling, romance, deception, cross-dressing, political strife and mayhem—all backed by some sweet-ass Riverdance moves. While it sounds like a tiny slice of heaven, critics slammed The Pirate Queen for its terrible score, heinous writing, ugly design, historical inaccuracies…the list goes on. Opening at the Cadillac Palace Theatre in 2006, the highly anticipated musical walked the plank in Chicago after two short months, then sank on Broadway after 85 performances.

First failed gangster treasure hunt
The only thing curious about Al Capone’s vault was how Geraldo Rivera’s career survived it. In 1986, the boldly mustached reporter hosted a two-hour special centered on the opening of Al Capone’s personal vault, broadcast live from the South Loop’s Lexington Hotel, supposed location of Capone’s crime headquarters. Instead of containing dead bodies, secret plans or unmarked bills, the vault teemed with…drum roll, please…dirt. Deceased gangster: 1. Rivera and his hapless viewers: 0.

First failed X-Woman-turned-sitcom star
While Rebecca Romijn snags headlines for being mind-blowingly hot and marrying men who make us think, “Really? THAT guy?” she also starred in a much-hyped, little-watched show on the WB in 2006. Playing perky Chicago reporter Pepper Dennis in a sitcom of the same name, Romijn fronted 13 episodes of the sitcom to the rave reviews of no one.

First failed virtual-reality theme park
All of the fun of an amusement park without the hassle of climbing on rides that actually exist, DisneyQuest—Chicago’s first (and last) indoor interactive theme park—was launched with much fanfare, followed by few visitors. Lasting a scant two years, Disney scrapped the project in 2001 along with plans to open DisneyQuests in Toronto, Anaheim and Philadelphia. Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby.