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Dear Chicago:
I specialize in acquiring distressed properties, and this time, you’re it. Phase One of my plan to procure your city was Trump International Hotel & Tower. Now that I’ve pumped some silicone into your skyline, it’s time for Phase Two: buying your media.
Now TOC stands for Trump On Chicago, a magazine that will apply the principles of my 2007 some-seller, Think BIG and Kick Ass in Business and Life, to your shitty town.
Here’s the score. Chicago isn’t the “Second City”—it isn’t even eighth. Chicago is the nation’s water boy. You know why? Because you’re in love with the underdog. If I were boss, the Cubs would have been fired 99 years ago. But in this town, a century of failure is cause for celebration. You losers can’t see the cornfield for the corn, but the Donald is here for the reorg. You’re welcome!
The new TOC is going to be huge, absolutely huge. Here’s a preview of the shake-up:
Film and Theater Only crusty-eyed orphans rate art with six stars. I’ve got six stars living in my hair. Oh look, three more just fell out of my ass. You exhaust me, Chicago! Less is NOT more. Look it up in the dictionary: It’s less. So from now on, TOC reviews will go to an 11-star rating. And if I haven’t heard of anyone in the movie, we won’t waste your time with it. If a play hasn’t grossed a million, ditto. Because you know who pays attention to the little guy? Other little guys. Stop being so provincial!
Around Town TOC will increase Gold Coast coverage by devoting half its glossy pages to photos of socialites at charity events. Group photos of tanorexic women in black dresses and silver foxes in tartan bow ties will make full-time climbers “read” TOC like a stock report on their social standing, and that’s cocaine to upscale advertisers. (Staff, don’t be distracted by the increased revenue. You writers I inherited are paid like bike messengers, but you also dress like bike messengers, and nothing about hoodies says raise to me.)
Books I’ve written more than 11 books, and this magazine didn’t review any of them. Big mistake. From now on, the Books section will be devoted to books written by me. If you don’t want to read reviews of How to Turn Your Idea Into a Money Machine, move to Indiana.
Trump On Chicago is also introducing state-of-the-art new sections you’ll love:
Buy Out What’s new in knocking down landmarks to put up condos.
Yachting Step aboard your life savings once a year, while you pretend to live on a coast!
This Week in Prenups The first letters of marriage are M and A because when you merge, your spouse acquires your assets. Learn how to put a condom on your bank account before you catch golddiggeritis.
Conspicuous Consumption Keep up with the possessions and attitudes that ensure every person you encounter knows you’re rich.
Out of Here Job listings in New York, Palm Springs and Las Vegas, for when you’re ready to skip this godforsaken town you call home.
Another change: a price increase. Trump On Chicago will be $9.99 per issue, because price signals quality. Pay $2.99 for a magazine and you feel like some schlub on the El. Pay $9.99 for the same thing and you feel like a big shot—next thing you know you’re ordering port for breakfast. Same magazine, better you.
I know publishing isn’t very profitable, but the analysts criticizing this deal are thinking small. I’m not just buying a magazine, I’m buying an opportunity to rub Rosie O’Donnell’s face in an old pile of crap called Rosie magazine. Last year, Rosie and I had a bitter public feud when I reinstated Tara Conner as Miss USA after Tara was canned for underage drinking. (Hey, you can take the boy out of Queens, but you can’t make him pretend that getting smacked around by a mouthy Long Island broad in a Lane Bryant tunic isn’t oddly exhilarating.) I’ve surrounded myself with an international harem of underfed Stepford women, yet I’m irresistibly drawn to one who would never sleep with me and always finishes her dinner, and I don’t care who knows it.
So eat this, Rosie: I’ve made Tara Conner TOC’s new brand ambassador. Go ahead, scream at me. Please?
You’re dismissed,
Donald Trump, Publisher
Is this some kind of joke? Yes, actually. The above was part of TOC's 2008 April Fool's issue. Read more about it here.
Mary
Tue, Apr 01, at 12:42pm
LOL This is hilarious. Great April Fool's gag!
Jennifer
Mon, Mar 31, at 05:26pm
Stop being so provincial! --Trump
Jennifer
Mon, Mar 31, at 05:23pm
Oh, Chicago!
Paul
Mon, Mar 31, at 02:57pm
TOC is a magazine that knows how to serve its readers. TOC knows how to earn reader trust and loyalty. My message to The Donald: "You're no TOC" Stay the hell out of Chicago.
Paul
Mon, Mar 31, at 02:55pm
I started a publishing company in Chicago and I know what it is like to schlep magazines around... hand em out at trade shows. Build circulation issue by issue. Put your money where your heart and soul is. TOC is also a magazine that knows how to earn reader loyalty.
Heather
Sun, Mar 30, at 07:53pm
So glad to hear this is a joke!
freddy
Fri, Mar 28, at 02:50pm
I cant spell worth a darn , but it has not stoped me from speking out. I admire the fact that you can talk so ballsy, I can try to aford too, but dosent always work out! I have followed you arond a bit since 1979 or 1980 or so, I didnt think that you would be abel to pull of what you have but I see in time that all good things take place and it dosent happen over night!! I was not affended buy what you said but I am from Minnesota and have only been in and arond Chicago for about 8 months TY
Kathleen
Fri, Mar 28, at 09:51am
THANK GOD this is an early April Fool's joke. Sorry Donald, you're sexist and you're fired.
Lizzi
Thu, Mar 27, at 08:38pm
Good one, guys! Whoever wrote this, you're NOT fired! ;)
annie
Thu, Mar 27, at 05:48pm
Brilliant. Have been laughing from all the way in SF. Miss you guys. My regards to Trump!
Circuit MOM
Thu, Mar 27, at 04:56pm
People, PEOPLE!? It's a joke!!! Almost as funny as when I covered the toliet bowl tightly with saran wrap as a kid, lowered the seat and lid and patiently waited for my mom to use the washroom. I can hear her shriek 30 years later! (still an April Fools classic in my family). Trump Tower is not bad, the old Sun Times monster not missed and The Donald would never be able to take over this city--we are too smart and real for his nasty-ness. Brava, TOC! Keep up the good work.
Jan Again
Thu, Mar 27, at 01:51pm
......and finally............April Fool to you, too! JS in BR
Jan Again
Thu, Mar 27, at 01:42pm
Donald Trump?
Jan Again
Thu, Mar 27, at 11:46am
The Donald thinks of Chicago as a s****y city that is ranked eighth? Please cancel my subscription to TOC IMMEDIATELY! Jan Soenen.......Burr Ridge,IL
Jan Again
Thu, Mar 27, at 11:40am
Please cancel my subscription to TOC immediately.
Esmeralda Cuevas
Thu, Mar 27, at 09:51am
I am an avid reader of Time Out Chicago and, if Trump truly is the new publisher, I am beyond thrilled that he has taken over the magazine. Although I think that we could do without a few of the ideas mentioned above, I find his attitude refreshing. I love this city and it does need a good kick in the a$$. I can't wait to see the changes derive from his take over.
brad
Thu, Mar 27, at 08:16am
NOT FUNNY,,,,,,,the guy is a dick. chicago will even be sorry they let him build that sky blocker downtown. he is such an ass.
hardy har
Thu, Mar 27, at 08:10am
april fools? hilarious.
vit
Thu, Mar 27, at 06:47am
you are a few days early, but that was pretty funny.
Puppet Bike
Thu, Mar 27, at 06:33am
Finally you guys do something right.
Grace
Thu, Mar 27, at 05:36am
Hope this is a joke...or I quit!
Kevin Palmer
Wed, Mar 26, at 04:08pm
If this is F****N true, then my subscripton just end.......I can't even type the "ed" I am so "Trumpified"...oh my god, even I am doing it!
Jason
Wed, Mar 26, at 03:51pm
If this is true, I will cancel my subscription the TOC. He should go back to NYC where the people there hate him and leave Chicago alone and take his loser kids with him. The only reason they are where they are today is because daddy wants them there.
Joan
Wed, Mar 26, at 03:38pm
You guys are just a bunch of prankster....Donald Trump's signature is a bad forgery. I love the hotel that he and his kids have built and if this is a joke you have really made them look bad. The staff that I have encountered is amazing at Sixteen and the one thing that I agree with your review is that Sixteen is deserving of 11 stars. Bad joke......
Marci
Wed, Mar 26, at 03:31pm
This is definitely a spoof for April Fool's. Leave it to TOC. Creative, but their graphics could use some work.
Joan
Wed, Mar 26, at 03:30pm
This smells like a big practical joke. I remember that Time Out did something like this last year. You can even see that Mr. Trump's head has been superimposed on a model.
You guys are
Mitch
Wed, Mar 26, at 01:49pm
That is really to bad that this Putz purchased Timeout Chicago. I have started my subscription about 9 months ago and i really like getting it each week.
dan
Wed, Mar 26, at 12:33pm
ugh.
dan
Wed, Mar 26, at 12:33pm
Oh, I get it! April Fool's! A-hahhahaha!!!
sasha
Wed, Mar 26, at 11:28am
is this for real?
