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Published on 7/4/08
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Q I am a 45-year-old premenopausal, healthy woman with a great sex life. However, I’ve been feeling a sort of fluttering in my genitals lately. Kind of a nervous twitch in my clitoris. Is this one of the lesser-known signs of menopause? It’s not happening during sex, just at any time of the day. It’s not unpleasant and not at all arousing. It’s just weird. Any explanation?
A Strikingly little is known about women’s experience of random or “unsolicited” feelings of genital arousal. Over the years a number of women (readers and friends alike) have asked me about throbbing, pulsing, twitching or fluttering vaginal or vulvar sensations. Women of all ages have described similar feelings, so it’s certainly not limited to being an early sign of menopause. That said, a few women have told me that they only started feeling vaginal flutters as they approached menopause so perhaps for some women this is true. We don’t know if these flutters are linked to hormones or nerve sensations, or whether women are unconsciously picking up sexual signs around them (e.g., a superhot passerby, a glimpse of your sexy self in the mirror, etc.) and feeling genitally aroused when they’re not feeling psychologically aroused. Some women find that when the vaginal fluttering occurs, they simply notice it and move on with their day. And if they notice it and then think, Hmm, do I want to be sexual right now?, and if the answer is yes, then hopefully a hand, vibrator or partner is available. Less often, women experience persistent genital arousal—pretty much always feeling superaroused. Some women have made peace with the 24/7 arousal whereas others find it distracting, frustrating or maddening. In all likelihood, your case of occasional flutters is within the normal range of experience and can be chalked up to yet another aspect of women’s sexuality that we researchers have yet to learn enough about.
Q What is wrong with me? I have always had the most loving, equal relationships with other women—but lately, I want to hit my girlfriend. Not in a bad or angry way, but a passionate way. She and I are having the best sex of our young lives. We do it all the time—fingers, oral, double dongs, vibes, ass spanking, licking, nipple clamps. The spanking and clamps have been a part of my sexual repertoire for a while, but that is the most pain-involved anything has been. Now I get aroused thinking about slapping her face or pulling her hair while we are having sex. But I would never want to hurt or be violent with her.
A Don’t assume that something is “wrong” with you because you fantasize about slapping your girlfriend. Many women are raised to feel that all acts of physical aggression are mean or bad, but sometimes women and men like physical aggression—which is really different from violence. Tackle football, wrestling and ultimate Frisbee all tend to be highly physically aggressive. It can feel good or exhilarating to run into another human body with all of your might. Then there’s the towel whipping some guys do in the locker room, or the play fights that some same- or other-gender couples enjoy. Some people like a little forceful sex, too. With straight couples, I often hear from men who worry when their girlfriends want to be slapped but I have rarely, if ever, heard from a guy who worried when his girlfriend screamed, “Pound my pussy!” Assuming that both slaps and pussy-pounding sex are consensual and even desired, why is the former often a cause of concern and the latter often a college guy’s dream? I have heard from both women and men who either enjoy slapping or being slapped, or who might like a little hair pulling. If there was anything else in your relationship that made you feel like power was unequal, belittling, manipulative, violent or otherwise not cool, I would absolutely agree that the relationship might benefit from couples’ counseling. But if your relationship feels supportive, fun, exciting and generally equal to you both, there is likely nothing wrong with a little slap-happy fantasy. Consider telling your girlfriend about your fantasies. If she’s not into being slapped or having her hair pulled, think of it as another opportunity to become closer by sharing sexual fantasies and talking or even laughing about them. On the other hand, she might find it appealing. You never know until you bring it up.
Q I’ve always been told by my girlfriends I’m nearly the perfect guy, from looks, to sex, to personality and charm, but I’m lacking in the communication arena. Try as I might, I have trouble coming up with emotional questions to ask, and on the flip side I have trouble responding to deep, emotional questions. Additionally, it seems I rarely show affection, at least in a way my significant other can easily recognize. I’m just entering into a relationship with a girl I really like and I’m already seeing the warning signs. Help!
A Being a perfect guy when it comes to looks and charm makes you, I’m sorry to say, a dime a dozen and even somewhat suspect; many women have known far too many players. Having a great personality and being skilled at sex are nice, but they only get you so far if what you’re looking for is a deeper relationship, which it sounds like you are. As a society, we tend to fall short when it comes to raising boys to be the men that women so often want, which leads to boys growing up to be otherwise amazing men who find it difficult to connect or express feelings, and who find it all too easy to shut down. Learning to extend an emotional connection (and to receive it) is a skill that many of us (women too) could stand to acquire. My favorite book on the topic, The Relationship Cure (Three Rivers Press, $14.95), makes it fairly easy to learn how to recognize “emotional bids” (when someone tries to connect with you); how to respond to these bids; and how to more clearly communicate your own feelings, needs, wants, and attempts for deeper connection. Another book that is good particularly for men (but also for women who are into men) is The New Male Sexuality (Bantam, $17), which—in addition to devoting dozens of pages to sexual problems and strategies to address them—also focuses on teaching men the skills they need to express and respond to emotion in ways that enhance romantic and sexual relationships. If you still find it hard to do, or you’d like more support, consider meeting with a counselor or therapist. Also, if you’re really into your new girlfriend and finding it hard to communicate your feelings, try telling her that—it’s good practice for you and if you throw in a little “but you make it so comfortable” (assuming it’s true), it might tune her in not only to your efforts but also to your need for her to be sensitive to your efforts. Finally, try Googling feeling words to find long lists of such words (like sad, mad, unhappy, frustrated) and aim to use at least one per day. It’s an exercise that some counselors find to be helpful to their clients, not because the words themselves are new (I think we all know the word sad) but because the exercise helps tune folks into noticing and expressing their feelings. And in spite of the way we often divorce feelings from sex, they’re important—even if we don’t want to talk about them.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
Concerned Swallower
Tue, Oct 16, 07, at 11:23pm
I've been with my current boyfriend for about six months now. We have a great sex life and he is very open to talking about improving it even more. We both particularly enjoy when I perform fellatio. However, after several consecutive sessions, I noticed experiencing extreme stomach pains followed by equally painful diarrhea. This being far from the sexy image I wish to portray, I need some advice. Do I try to, somehow, turn spitting into a sexy act? Also, why would this happen with him and none of the other boyfriends in my 32 years of life?
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