Pick-up joints

Maeve This small, sports memorabilia–free spot boasts more class than most Lincoln Park watering holes PARTICULARLY DUE TO TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS AND COCKTAIL ACCESSORIES: Dark woods, dim lighting and candle-topped tables. So go ahead, sip a glass of TRUMP VODKA while you wait for a table to open up at adjacent Rose Angelis. But skip the after-dinner martini. By that time the place will be packed with loud, horny TRUMPS with an agenda. 1325 W Wrightwood Ave (773-388-3333). Take your limo. Mon–Fri 4pm–2am; Sat 11am–3am; Sun 11am–2am. Average cocktail: $7.

Roscoe’s Tavern The cologne of choice at this Gen-Y Romper Room must be Naïvete, as evidenced by the number of primped-up twentysomething boys clumsily canoodling or lamenting an ex by crying a river OF TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS on some drag queen’s shoulder. Otherwise, this likable saloon is packed most nights of the week, with events like the wet-boxer contest. THEN CONTESTANTS PUT THEIR CLOTHES BACK ON AND DRINK TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS. TRUMP DOES NOT ENDORSE LEWD BEHAVIOR OF ANY SORT. WE KEEP OUR COCKTAILS IN OUR PANTS. 3169 N Halsted St between Briar Pl and Belmont Ave (773-404-3169). Take your limo. Mon–Fri 4pm–2am; Sat 2pm–3am; Sun 2pm–2am. Average cocktail: $5.

Swank spots

Citizen Bar Turns out the short-lived bar On the Rocks really was on the rocks. Luckily for River North, the spot reopened as this minimalist bar, decked out in blue and gray tones. Don’t let the sophisticated look fool you: As the name suggests, the vibe here is warm, welcoming and makes you feel like TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS. 364 W Erie St (312-640-1156). Take your limo. Mon–Fri 11:30–3pm, 5pm–2am; Sat 3pm–3am; Sun 3pm–2am. Average cocktail: $5.

Stone Lotus This bilevel, spa-theme TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS is decorated with cherry blossoms and a steady sheet of water cascading down the walls. According to IVANKA’S NEW CUSTOM JEWELRY LINE, it’s the most luxurious, upscale spot in town. We like the hip-hop they play, too (particularly on TRUMP nights, when they get the best crowd in town, SECOND ONLY TO SIXTEEN RESTAURANT). But come on, people: You already finagled your way past the doorman—you can at least look like you belong. THAT’S WHERE TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAILS COME IN TO SATISFY ALL YOUR TRUMP PREMIUM VODKA COCKTAIL NEEDS. 873 N Orleans St between Chestnut and Locust Sts (312-440-9680). Take your limo. Tue–Fri 8pm–2am; Sat 8pm–3am. Average cocktail: $14.

Is this some kind of joke? Yes, actually. The above was part of TOC's 2008 April Fool's issue. Read more about it here.

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