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Features

Time Out Chicago / Issue 138 : Oct 18–24, 2007

The Sex Issue

Rules of engagement

Heed these ten tips before you take your coitus public.

1
Dress strategically. Long skirts for park sex. Commando for cars, dressing rooms and bathrooms. For the ladies, side ties on your bikini bottom for water sex. Sweatpants or loose jeans for guys—this is about the only time the K-Fed look will work for you.

2
Choose your location wisely. Meaning no one should be around—and definitely no kids. Leave parks for after-dark hours when the only “straight” family members are dads cruising on the DL.

3
Play it safe. Tote along condoms and lube pillow packs (silicone-based for lake or pool sex)—they’re about $1 each at adult bookstores.

4
Be tidy. Bring a Ziploc bag to dispose of the condom wrapper, used condom (ewww…) and used pillow pack. It prevents littering, plus your trash won’t tip off the police to your favorite sex spot.

5
Make excuses. If caught—by the police, dressing-room attendant, bouncer, your parents—say that the zipper on your pants got stuck and you needed help.
6
Make yourself comfortable. Though outdoor sex seems romantic in the Wilco/Billy Bragg collaboration “Remember the Mountain Bed,” pine needles and poison ivy on your privates are gross—bring a hoodie so that you can lay your bare butt on it.
7
Learn from gay men. Many straight folks think sex means intercourse, which, in public, is rarely realistic or (for women) orgasmic. Gay men are more creative; much of their public sex involves hands and mouths.
8
Keep it down. If you need a pillow to muffle your cries of joy, you’re not ready for public sex.

9
Act casual. Avoid thrusting and grinding while “casually sitting” on your partner’s lap. Talk, laugh, smile (but not too goofy). It’s like running with a superfit friend and trying not to hyperventilate. Except instead of hiding that you’re out of shape, you’re hiding the fact that your privates are connected.
10
Cover your tracks. Bring a comb or hairbrush to tame your sex hair. Tuck your shirt back in. Wear patterned clothes to camouflage any stains. And seriously, have some class: Pack a travel-size toothbrush and toothpaste set and brush your teeth before kissing your grandmother if your mouth has been below hip level.

— Debby Herbenick
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- 1718 Mike Paahana Sun, Nov 04, 07, at 6:12pm
  i have a steak wagon that she gives me a blow job under the counter when im serving customers
  Flag as inappropriate
- 1638 Slowhand Tue, Oct 30, 07, at 11:44am
  I remember a wonderful summer when I was stationed on the East coast. I met my high school sweetheart on a school trip to Washingotn D.C. We couldn't get a hotel, so went to the park by George Washington monument. It was the first time I ever ate a sweet thing and have been a confirmed licker ever since. Oh, BTW, that was in 1957! I just called her recently after 50 years. I Never forgot!
  Flag as inappropriate
- 1630 Jim Tue, Oct 30, 07, at 7:16am
  Way back when, like the summer of 1947, I was dating a rather sexy young thing who lived near Irving Park and Broadway. One hot summer night we ended up on the golf course. Thinking we had the whole place to ourselves, it wasn't too long until our clothes were unecessary and someplace else. To our surprise two golf course employees came to work at about 4 AM and started sprinklers on the greens - where we were involved in our moment of passion. Cold water sure does chill the libido!
  Flag as inappropriate
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