It’s the setup of virtually every scene in Curb Your Enthusiasm: Larry David walks into a tricky social situation, reacts exactly the way you’d want to if there were no consequences, everyone gets pissed at him and hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, acting like LD in real life isn’t so funny—losing your job and getting punched in the face are among the unfortunate results—so we consulted several experts on how to act civilized and keep your cool when you’d rather crawl under a rock.
Models: Chris Ciavarro, Justin Winkler, Derek Grant/Ford, Carmen Duff, Min Lee; Assistant: Brandon Balentine
PARTY
You’re at a party where you don’t know the host, and you spill red wine on the carpet. As far as you know, nobody saw you.
Want to Cover it up with a pillow, chair, anything, and continue to blissfully guzzle wine.
Should Fess up. Robin Thompson, author of the etiquette book
Be the Best You Can Be and founder of local manners school the Etiquette-Network
(etiquette-network.com), says the spill itself isn’t that big of a deal. “Accidents happen, and anybody who hosts a party can expect something to get spilled or dropped or knocked over or broken,” Thompson says. “Discreetly go get the host and say, ‘I’m very sorry, I spilled some wine, and I want to get it out before it stains.’ ” That sounds…really easy. But what if the host still flips out on you? “Those types of people shouldn’t have parties,” she says with a laugh.
You walk into a bathroom and the toilet is clogged. What’s more, there’s a line behind you.
Want to Climb out the window and call it a night. Or storm out yelling, “Which one of you assholes fucked up the toilet?” Or vehemently insist it wasn’t you for the rest of the night.
Should Your reaction doesn’t have to be so extreme, according to Thompson. Again, it’s all about communication. “You don’t have to be tacky or anything,” she says. “[Talk to] the host and say, ‘You know, I think someone has just done something here; we need to get this addressed….’ If you’re coming out [and there’s a line behind you], say, ‘The [toilet’s] not working, I need to get the host to help me out.’ ” Quoting Randy Quaid’s “Shitter was full” line from
Christmas Vacation was our backup plan, but Thompson’s idea has a nice ring to it, too.
OFFICE
You accidentally open a porn site at your desk.
Want to Pretend it never happened. If HR asks you about it, say someone must have hijacked your computer for lewd pursuits.
Should It all depends on the company’s policy, says Brad Karsh, author of
Confessions of a Recruiting Director and head honcho at local company JB Training Solutions
(jb-trainingsolutions.com), which teaches workers the skills they need to land the next big job. “If you know that they monitor the Internet, first of all I’d click out of it instantly and then just go to HR and say, ‘Listen, I’ve got an embarrassing situation here. I want to give you a heads-up in case someone figured out I was checking out porn on the Internet,’ ” he says. “I’d bring it to someone’s attention right away, make a joke about it.”
You’re wasted at an office party.
Want to Have another drink, schmooze with the bosses and show the new girl how sensitive you are by singing “Tears in Heaven” during karaoke, preferably with a tear running down your cheek.
Should Definitely don’t go the drunken route, Karsh says, and he’s seen it all. “At one holiday [office] party, a couple was caught literally having sex in the club…on a couch. The club owner just threw them out. And people have been terminated for those types of situations.” The general rule, of course, is not to get sloshed, especially if you’re a new employee. “So you made a fool out of yourself [in college] in front of your friends,” Karsh says. “But these are people you work with, and you don’t want to be known as that guy or that girl the next morning.” If you do go overboard the night before, all is not lost. Karsh suggests “send[ing a note] to your boss or the human resources department—basically apologize, try to be humble about it, but intersperse it with a bit of humor to perhaps gloss over the situation.”
