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Published on 9/4/08
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1. Have a ball
The previous owners of Sportsman’s Club in downstate Mount Sterling used to host a small testicle-tasting event in their bar, but when current owners “Mudd” and Peggy Huston took over five years ago, they decided to go balls-out, literally, by turning it into an outdoor street fest. Despite complaints from a local religious group, their Testicle Festival is now in its fifth year. Join 2,000 other revelers and curiosity-seekers to chomp on more than 500 pounds of pork, beef, turkey (pictured on our cover), lamb and buffalo testicles—and be sure to grab an innuendo-laden T-shirt to prove you had the stones to actually try these nuggets.-—Shirt $15; June 14.
2. Cheesy does it
According to calorie-count.com, a one-serving slice (think a sliver) of White Chocolate Raspberry cheesecake from Eli’s is a whopping 610 calories. So, at the 12th annual Eli’s Cheesecake Festival, after partaking in all the free samples—and, if you dare, the cheesecake-eating contest—give your gut a break. Instead of taking home even more saturated fat, do yourself a favor and pick up one of these cute, calorie-free stuffed-animal cheesecake characters. Your ass will thank you for it.—Stuffed cheesecake doll $7; September 20–21.
3. Dough my goodness
When it comes to fashion, Whiting, Indiana, will never be confused with Milan, Paris or even Valparaiso. But every summer at the annual Pierogi Fest, fresh accessories abound. Fresh-baked, that is. Look sizzling-hot in a pair of doughy dumpling-shaped pierogi earrings or a cheesehead-esque foam pierogi hat. Other must-have items include pierogi soap (which, we’re pretty sure, doesn’t make you smell like a dumpling) and a commemorative “Bushas of the Brigade” calendar featuring recipes and hilariously kitschy photos of old Polish women in babushkas kibitzing with firemen, football players and, of course, the icon of Pierogi Fest, Mr. Pierogi himself.-—Earrings $8, hat $10, soap $8, calendar $15; July 25–27.
4. Sticking to it
It wouldn’t be Taste of Chicago—or pretty much any summer festival where a large exurban population convenes—without tons of shady vendors illegally selling suspiciously acquired glow sticks, glow necklaces and George Lucas–royalty-free lightsabers to the masses. But to be honest, we don’t really understand why so many people would want to hoard these multicolored, translucent tubes. Childhood curiosity? Ecstasy? Glowing lights sating eyes that otherwise see only dark farmland? Whatever the case—may the force be with you.—Price negotiable. June 27–July 6 .
5. Hard to pin down
The geniuses at Busy Beaver Button Company really outdid themselves at last year’s Pitchfork Festival, offering customized buttons of one of the best-selling R&B artists of our time, R. Kelly, urinating on your head. The setup is simple: Get your picture taken and, within minutes, you have a free commemorative souvenir that makes you feel like a 14-year-old again. “Some people actually acted it out, like they were really being peed on,” says Christen Carter of Busy Beaver. There’s no telling what they’ll offer at this year’s Pitchfork, but Carter says there’s talk of doing something Obama-related. Now practice your best Tony Rezko and say cheese. —Buttons $2, July 18–20.
