Q: I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but maybe I just am and maybe that’s the answer and I should get used to it. However, my wife has gained a good 40 pounds since we married about two years ago, and our sex life has really suffered as a result. I try not to make it an issue, but the fact remains that it’s a turnoff and she just isn’t as good in bed as she was before the extra weight (I’m not claiming any great skill, just that we were seemingly sexually compatible before, and now it’s just not that good). I tried to talk to her about it once, and got the “You should love me for who I am” crying fit. Obviously, I am concerned for her health as well as our sex life. And we’ve talked about having children, but I’m afraid of what will happen both to her health and our sex life if extra weight comes on after that. How can I broach this topic and not be an ass? In the meantime, are there any positions you recommend for people who have extra padding? I love my wife, but I also love sex. And I can’t seem to be fulfilled in the present state of affairs. I would hate to stray because of this, but she doesn’t seem to want to do anything about the issue. Any help would be appreciated.

A: Forty pounds over two years is actually quite a lot; I would be concerned for her health, too. If depression wasn’t a cause for the weight gain, it (coupled with your negative reaction) may certainly be a result. That’s not to blame you for feeling turned off by her weight gain. Even though I agree with your wife that she should be loved regardless of her weight, I would point out (not to her face, just in this column) that love is one thing; sexual attraction is another. The fact is that people tend to be attracted to partners of a healthy weight. Yes, some people like super bony thin or BBW or BBM (Big Beautiful Women and Big Beautiful Men), but most people fall in the middle in terms of their own body size and their preferred partner size. Some sex researchers chalk this preference up to evolutionary psychology—that women and men are sexually attracted to partners who seem healthy, fit and able to care for kids. However, there are few ways to broach the topic without sounding like a looks-focused jerk. You could suggest sex therapy (find a therapist at www.aasect.org) to tackle your “lack of desire” (not her weight gain), or as a means of addressing general conflict. Or you might try taking the time to sit down and talk about these issues, where you (kindly and sensitively) offer praise and love, but also describe your concerns about her health. Reassure her of your commitment to making your marriage work, but remind her that health issues that affect her and your potential family are important marital issues. Be prepared to work on any bad habits of your own (e.g., smoking, excessive drinking, speeding) that bug her or make her “concerned” about your health. In the mean time, please don’t nag her about her weight or make her feel fat. Another strategy (and my preferred one): Try praising her for looking good (e.g., “You look terrific in that dress!”) or for encouraging your own healthy habits (“I love that you take our health into consideration by cooking so many veggies”). Basically, if you nonchalantly “reward” her with praise and other forms of attention for eating well, exercising and looking good, you are likely to see more of these behaviors. Invite her on active “dates” and tell her how much you love spending time with her on these long walks (not to the ice cream shop).

As for sex? Everyone looks better in candlelight. Try positions that highlight the parts of her body you love the most, and genuinely try to fall in love with and appreciate her changing body parts. Even though your body may not have changed so dramatically, it is bound to change over time and it’s nice to think that she will exert similar effort in loving your body as you grow older. Taking turns with massages might help you learn to appreciate what she has to offer. As for sexual positions, try rear entry. If you love her breasts, have her hop on top. Be creative and open to new positions. And by all means, please don’t cheat on her; everyone deserves honesty and the chance to choose to be with someone (or to leave someone) based on full and complete information.

Q: What is the easiest position for the woman (receptive partner) for anal sex? What is thebest lube? Is it okay to not use a condom if we are monogamous?

A: People vary, but often both men and women who enjoy anal sex (as the receptive partner) tell me that it was easiest for them to get into it if they were on top. Although the stereotypical version of anal sex is bending one’s partner over and going for it à la Brokeback Mountain, it’s not the only position. Having the receptive partner on top can help him or her take in only as much as is comfortable. Silicone lube lasts longer than water-based lube, so generally those are preferred, and you’ll want to apply more than you ever dreamed you would use. Lube up the penis or toy and the anal opening, and take it slowly at first, with much relaxation and communication. If it hurts, stop. You can always try again another time, or not. As for condoms? If you are monogamous and infection-free, then you won’t transmit sexually transmitted infections (STI) to each other. Then again, how certain are you about your infection status, or your intent to stay monogamous over the next few months? Yes, people in monogamous relationships ditch condoms in favor of full-on skin, but it’s a personal decision that only you two can make after extensive conversation about past infection history, testing, plans for exclusivity and such. Check out the Better Sex Guide to Anal Pleasure DVD ($15, www.bettersex.com) for more tips.

Q Can you send me the “specifics” on rimming with hot tea and ice cubes—you know, the “fire and ice” game you mentioned [In&Out, TOC 75]?

A: I had offered to send specifics to those who asked nicely, but I got so many requests like this one that it seemed easier to post the info in a column. “Fire and ice” is a generic term for sexual stimulation that alternates with warm and cold sensations. People incorporate fire and ice games with oral sex on penises and vulvas, and it’s done with the anus, too (as with rimming). A common method is this: make a cup of hot tea and get a small cup or bowl of ice cubes, and place them bedside. Either rub the ice cube on your partner or suck the ice in your mouth before you start. That’s the cold sensation. When you’re ready to switch to the warm sensation, take a sip of hot tea, hold it in your mouth and swish it around before swallowing it. That’s the warm sensation. Alternate between hot and cold and that’s fire and ice. Safety notes: some suggest inserting an ice cube into your partner, but others caution against it, and I am definitely one of those “better safe than sorry” types. Even though ice eventually melts, some claim that the extreme cold isn’t good for delicate rectal tissue. In addition, there are rumors about using alcohol for the “fire” part, but alcohol is not safely used in the back end, so make your butt a sober butt. For safe and pleasurable tips related to anal play, check out Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women (Down There Press, $18).

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, mph c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.