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Q My wife is about to take a business trip to a, pardon me, “gay and lesbian hot spot.” She’ll be there for a week and is staying at a very funky looking gay B&B. We’ve been together for about four years and have joked about her being bisexual, primarily because of stories she told me about a threesome she had before we got married where she was “way more into it [the bi experimentation]” than the other woman. I told her that if an opportunity should arise—kind of like a perfect storm—that she shouldn’t hold back because of me. Her response was that she felt like she’d be cheating. But I said I didn’t see it that way because it would be with a woman, not a replacement for me. She would be getting something that I simply can’t offer and if it’s something she wants to experiment with, it’s fine with me. What do you think?
A I wish I could give you a yay or nay on this one, but it’s entirely subjective. If you two don’t feel like her being with other women is cheating, then it’s not cheating for you guys. Every relationship has its own rules—some male-female couples say that only dalliances with other-sex partners are cheating (like you’re suggesting), some say even kissing or holding hands with anyone else is cheating, and others say “eating ain’t cheating” (thus allowing their partners to have oral sex, but not intercourse, with other people). I know other couples who have rules that say their partner can do whatever they want as long as they do it together (e.g., threesomes or group sex being okay, but their partner can’t go off and have sex privately with someone else). It is so variable. If your wife doesn’t feel comfortable being with another woman, I wouldn’t push it. Just because you don’t feel like it’s cheating doesn’t mean that she doesn’t, and it could hurt her or make her sad to do something that she doesn’t feel right about. There’s a great moment in the movie Kinsey, in which the fictional version of sex-research pioneer Dr. Kinsey and his wife are having a conversation about how they might feel about being sexual with other people. When he asks how she’d feel if it didn’t hurt him for her to be with others, she says something along the lines of how his lack of jealousy would hurt her. Then again, in the movie version of their lives, they do go on to sexually explore with others, so somehow her character seems to move past that hurt. But even so, the risk of hurting your wife by not caring—or seeming not to care—is very real. Whatever you decide about being sexual with others, it is important to communicate in ways that are caring and respectful, and that ensure she understands how you feel about her.
Q I am a 27-year-old straight man with a question regarding getting it up with a new partner. I am lucky that I am now in a relationship (going on six months), but I am writing about an issue that has dogged me for years and almost broke up my current relationship before it began. For as long as I remember, I have had trouble maintaining an erection the first few times with new partners. What is strange about this is that I do not feel nervous about not performing well enough, etc. I am a confident guy, with good looks and a sizable endowment, and this issue just perplexes me. It has caused new partners to consider themselves insufficient, and in turn caused me to believe something is wrong with me. So it’s a vicious cycle (which I am now out of since I am in a relationship), but how do I avoid it if I ever find myself single and looking again?
A Two possible scenarios spring to mind—try them on and see if either makes sense to you. I assume (or would like to believe, in my Pollyanna-ish world view) that you’re using condoms with a new partner. Then, like many couples, you probably toss them aside after a few weeks (sooner than one should, perhaps). Might your erections mainly go south during times you’re using condoms? This happens to many men and can be helped by using condoms with roomier heads (like Inspiral or Pleasure Plus brands), adding lube on the outside of the condom (once it’s already on your lovely penis), or asking your partner to apply the condom so you can focus on your own arousal. Second, you may not experience performance anxiety, but your mind is likely faced with other minor anxieties—where to touch, what positions to try, whether you should be rough or gentle, and other new-partner dilemmas. That may be helped by talking about what types of sex you both like, or breathing out, relaxing and focusing on the most arousing thought in your head. Finally—as a last resort—even though you don’t have erectile dysfunction, some health-care providers will prescribe low doses of erectile meds as a “just in case” measure, and then you can take it (or leave it in the medicine cabinet) as you please.
Q What’s the secret to giving a good blow job? I want to be better at it, but when I think about it, I feel bad. I don’t even have to have a penis in my mouth to feel this way, just thinking about it brings on gross feelings.
A Gross feelings just from thinking about oral sex? Then what are you doing with a penis in your mouth? Getting over that feeling should be your first step to giving a blow job—either that, or move on and do other things that your partner will find enjoyable and that you will like, too. Men consistently have said that a partner’s enthusiasm and excitement about performing oral sex is a major key to a quality blow job, and faking it doesn’t help you or them. Granted, enthusiasm cannot make up for really terrible technique, but I doubt that most men’s partners are truly that terrible at blow jobs. It’s a penis: Lick it, kiss it, suck it, rub it on your face or slide it between your boobs. How hard can it be? Or, uh, rather, how complicated? You can also try different paces and styles of stimulation. Lick the shaft with a firm but gentle stroke and then pause at the head and let out just a little bit of warm breath—the nerve endings on the tip of the penis will thank you. Avoid blowing cool air on the head lest you give your partner the giggles from a tickling sensation (unless that does it for him). Some guys like it when you make eye contact during oral sex or when you make “mmmmm” sounds (because not only does it convey enthusiasm but it also vibrates the penis)—but again, only if you can develop these savory feelings with sincerity. It may be worth spending time considering what it is that brings on bad feelings when you think about fellatio. Do you think that penises are dirty? Is it a size and gagging issue, or do you think it’s wrong or immoral for a lovely lady such as yourself to put your lips to a penis? Would it be easier or more palatable if you gently washed his penis first? Not in an “ew, your penis is nasty” way but what if you gave him an all-over massage, and then used a warm towel on his chest and arms and penis in a massage-parlor sort of move? Just some thoughts. Bottom line: Play it safe and enjoyably, doing only what you both find pleasurable.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
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