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Published on 5/17/08
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Q My girlfriend was fingering my vagina the other night, and things were getting kinda frenzied and we were having a great time. I was wet and into it, she was into it; I asked for two fingers, then three, and it felt great. Then I felt a horrible sharp pain and I asked her to stop. We turned on the lights and there was blood everywhere. She went to the bathroom and got a towel, and we dried the area off and looked, and I had a pretty big cut right at the entrance to my vagina. It is about an inch long. It has stopped bleeding, but is there anything I should do? Does it need stitches? Or should I just give it a few days?
A I am sorry this happened to you. If fingernails aren’t the curse of vaginas, I don’t know what is. This is why I recoil when I see sex films involving women with very long, sharp nails beginning to finger themselves (or others)—though women aren’t the only ones whose nails can be trouble. Vagina cuts can cause a great deal of pain and it’s not always clear how bad the cut is until one wipes away the blood. Plus, unlike knee or elbow cuts, which for years most folks had their parents clean, kiss and make better, with genital cuts, most of us have not had the experience of having someone reassure us that all will indeed be fine. So you may wonder—is this okay? Will it get better on its own? Is there anything special I should know? And indeed there may be. As there’s a lot going on down there—including urine and fecal matter that can work its way over to even the most lovely and clean vagina—a health-care provider may suggest using specific antibiotic ointments to reduce the risk of infection. In rare cases, stitches may be recommended. Or he or she may take a peek, decide the cut is small enough, and advise you to keep it clean and go about your business. Regardless, I think it is a good idea to check in with your health-care provider. And yes, do tell how you got cut, so that he or she can best recommend treatment. You don’t need to provide all of the wonderful details—just the facts will do (e.g., that it occurred during fingering, how you cleaned it afterward and any other relevant details). If your partner has long or sharp fingernails, you may want to switch to toy play or oral sex. Otherwise, if her nails are fairly short, you might just chalk this up to a fluke and carry on with whatever is most pleasurable and comfortable for you two.
Q I am a 36-year-old separated mother of two. My neighbor and I have been seeing each other on and off again for months. We decided to only get together for late-night sex as friends-with-benefits. After a while, he ended things, saying that he had met someone. We continued being regular neighbors, but he would increasingly come over to “borrow” things from me. One day, he turned around and kissed me; I pushed him away and reminded him of our deal. Another time, when I was over at his place, one thing led to another and we jumped back in the sack again. This went on for a month, and he broke it off with the other lady. I figured we were back to our friends-with-benefits situation. Again, after a while, he wanted to end things, so I said fine, but there would be no more flirting or touching. We returned each others’ things; I felt childish, but I had given him a special ringtone on my phone, and I took that away, too. Weeks passed and then the other night as I was leaving he asked for a hug, which led to an evening of steamy sex. This time, after undressing I felt the urge to leave. I was not focused and did not enjoy myself. The next day he called and I suspected that he was calling to end things again. I told him I don’t like the uncertainty. He said he wants to be with whomever he wants and when, and that he would be with whomever answers his call first. That left a nasty taste in my mouth. Should I run like hell, or continue on?
A Let’s see—you don’t want a relationship with this man, and a neighbors-with-benefits thing isn’t doing it for you either. Now, even the sex itself is not enjoyable and his words left you feeling badly. What in the world could possibly be good for you here? Do yourself (and your children, too, who likely want their mom to feel positive about herself) a favor and move on to other things. If you are not currently in a place where you feel you are making positive choices about finding a partner, then maybe find a new favorite sex toy. If you need companionship, hang out with friends and get the support and direction you need before looking for the right relationship (or friends-with-benefits situation). But if this isn’t working for you, then what are you doing?
Q I always enjoy your column, but never thought I’d be writing you until I realized that what I have been suffering from is right up your alley. About nine months ago, I started experiencing pain in my right ovary each time I orgasmed. I spoke to my gynecologist during a routine visit, and he was taken aback, as he had never heard of this before. He told me to take some Tylenol a half hour before intercourse and see if that relieves the pain. I wasn’t thrilled with his response, and so I did some research on the Internet, where I learned I’m not alone. What’s troubling is that even with all the women with similar complaints out there, I was unable to find a course of action to combat it. I’m 45 years old and aging might be a factor in this pain, but if there’s something you can offer, it would be terrific to be able to put this behind me, and freely go over the blissful edge, rather than grabbing my abdomen and stopping just short.
A Yes, I can certainly understand your wanting to go all the way into the land of blissful orgasms instead of being stopped short by anxiety and pain. I don’t have a home remedy for you, though; rather, I think it’s worth getting to the bottom of the cause. Consider checking back in with your gynecologist for further evaluation. One possibility is interstitial cystitis (IC)—a chronic condition that has been associated with pain during sex (including pain during orgasm). I don’t know if you have it or not; however, a health-care provider may be able to rule out this or other issues. Although IC is an inflammatory condition that affects the bladder, a challenging characteristic of many conditions that affect the pelvic region is that pain or irritation in one place can be felt in another section of the pelvic region, thanks to a closely linked network of nerves. As such, your ovarian pain may actually be pain emanating from something gone awry in your bladder, uterus or elsewhere nearby. Cysts or fibroids are other possible conditions that, again, even though located elsewhere, can cause pain around your ovary. What do I suggest, then? Keep on keeping on. Persist in talking to your doctor or doctors until you get to the bottom of this. For the time being, see if the Tylenol your doc originally suggested can make you more comfortable while you figure this out.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
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