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Published on 8/29/08
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Q I read your column every week, and I know anal sex is not an uncommon topic. I have been experimenting with (and really enjoying) anal with my boyfriend over the last several months. However, in addition to being pleased at this new source of pleasure, I’ve also been worried about the possible negative effects it’s having on my body. Even in a few months I’ve noticed that my anus has become a bit more flexible and “open”—it’s become less painful than it occasionally used to be. Am I causing irreversible damage here? Will this cause prolapse, hemorrhoids or other problems? As much as I enjoy this newfound realm, taking care of my body is a big priority for me.
A I wish I could guarantee you a land of risk-free anal sex but, alas, I can’t. Then again I can’t guarantee risk-free vaginal sex, either. Each of these types of sex runs the risk of passing a sexually transmissible infection (STI). In the case of the human papillomavirus (HPV), research suggests that certain strains of HPV may be related not only to cervical, penile and vulvar cancers, but also to oral and anal cancers. Of course, most people who have HPV (or who engage in oral or anal sex) will not develop cancer, but it is a reminder that sex has risks. You can reduce the risk of some STIs by having your boyfriend wear a condom during anal sex. And yes, there may be a potential for other types of problems associated with anal sex. For example, one can tear the anus just as one can tear the vagina during penetration. Often these cuts or tears are tiny but they may be painful, and if you or your partner has an infection, the cuts may make it easier to transmit an infection. Some health-care providers believe that some cases of rectal prolapse (which is when the rectal tissue falls down into the anal opening) may be linked to anal sex, but we need more information on that, and certainly one can experience prolapse from other causes (pregnancy, for example). Most people will have hemorrhoids at some point in their life, so it’s difficult to tell how much anal sex may increase those odds, if at all. If you ever experience pain during or after anal sex, I would strongly encourage you to check in with your health-care provider just as you would if you had issues with vaginal or oral sex.
Q My partner and I have been together for about a decade. He is considerably older than me, and last year he bravely faced prostate cancer. He survived, which is something that I thank my lucky stars for daily. Our sex life is almost entirely gone these days, though. He has difficulty with erections and orgasm. He has encouraged me to go out and meet other men for sex, but my heart isn’t in it. We have never been the type of gay couple to have an open relationship. It wasn’t our thing when we got together, and I don’t feel that way now. I think he feels that if he can’t give me sex, then someone else should. He doesn’t want us to split up, but sometimes I feel like he’s practically pushing me out the door for sex. I don’t want to. I am in love with him more now than I ever have been. Do I wish we could have sex? Sure. But I can’t imagine being with another guy. This is beginning to be a contentious issue, strange as that might seem.
A It can be heartbreaking to worry about losing someone you love so dearly, and though dealing with cancer certainly can change many things, it seems not to have changed your feelings about exclusivity with your partner. He may be feeling as if he has less to offer you now, and he may need extra reassurance from you that 1) he remains exactly what you want when it comes to sex, romance and your relationship and 2) if you ever change your mind and want to be with other men, he can count on you to be open and honest with him. It may be that he’s worried about losing you, or about you secretly wanting to have sex with other guys, and concerned he’d hear it through the grapevine (and feel doubly rejected) rather than hear it directly from you. Then again, maybe he feels like he is trying to offer you the gift of being able to guiltlessly be with other men, and believe me, there are quite a few men and women who would want such an opportunity. However, that doesn’t work for everyone and it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want. In addition to erection and ejaculation issues, he may be struggling with desire or body image, or how to communicate his changed feelings and experiences with you. If you’d like some support dealing with these issues, please consider connecting with the Howard Brown Health Center, meeting with a certified sex therapist (aasect.org) or reading a book such as Saving Your Sex Life: A Guide for Men with Prostate Cancer (Hilton, $16.95), which is straight-focused but still useful.
Q My boyfriend of two years has a beautiful, huge penis that I sometimes brag about. A few weeks ago, I was talking about it with a girlfriend of mine and she joked that she wishes I would share it with her! I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and (surprise, surprise) he was very turned on at the idea of two girls giving him a blow job at the same time. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I get turned on as well. Am I crazy for maybe wanting to share my boyfriend’s penis with another girl? I’ve always wanted to try a threesome; would this be a good way to start?
A Wow, a guy turned on by oral sex provided by two enthusiastic partners (one of them his girlfriend) who are both impressed by his penis? Imagine that! If this is something that you are into and your boyfriend and friend are, too, then it could be a very good experience. Then again, one never knows. Some things are positively drool-worthy in fantasy but not so great in reality. For instance, how would you feel if she hogged your boyfriend’s penis? What if you watch his face and feel as if he’s enjoying her oral sex skills more than yours? What if he kisses her in a way that makes you feel jealous or uncomfortable? What if it’s going so well that one of you suggests intercourse, and the others aren’t into that? Or, even if the sex itself goes well, what if she and he want an encore but you don’t? Or what if she says it was “just okay,” whereas you think he and his penis are amazing? All I’m saying is that threesomes are tricky. Since you are in a romantic relationship with your boyfriend and a platonic friendship with your girlfriend, my guess is that these are two relationships you don’t want to jeopardize. Treat them with the care that they deserve, and if you decide to proceed, make sure to talk about everyone’s feelings, expectations, boundaries and comfort zones prior to getting on your knees with your friend. The Ethical Slut (Greenery Press, $17) is a unique book in its ability to explore a range of issues (such as how to deal with jealousy, communication and reassurance) around threesomes, nonmonogamy and the like.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
