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Published on 9/4/08
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Q My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and we have a pretty fulfilling and exciting sex life. There’s one problem, though: We rarely do it with her on top. Generally, it hasn’t proven as easy or as satisfying as positions where I’m on top—I find it more difficult to stay hard for some reason. I’m not sure if this is normal and whether it is an insecurity thing, a control thing, or what. The thought of it really turns me on, but when she gets on me, I often lose my erection! It is so frustrating. There have been a few times when we had good sex with her on top. However, it mostly turns into disappointment and then missionary or doggy-style. I’m on the smaller side, 5_ inches, and I am wondering if this is making it impossible for me to be on the bottom. But I haven’t had as much trouble being on the bottom with past partners and girlfriends. Do you think it is because of my smaller endowment? Is this common? Do you have any ideas or techniques that might help with women-on-top positions?
A Many guys struggle with this issue—on one hand, books and magazines sometimes push woman-on-top (WOT) as an amazing position, but on the other, it makes sex difficult for a subset of men. Some men feel that their difficulty lies in the lack of movement that WOT often entails. Even if you have enjoyed WOT in the past, that doesn’t mean you always will. Men and women change their sexual likes and dislikes often throughout life, and that’s only one of the many reasons why routines often turn into ruts. It is okay to prefer another position—or for your penis to prefer (or at least respond with firmer erections to) other positions, such as missionary. Personally, I think missionary is one of the most undervalued positions in the universe. There are good reasons it remains the most common sex position in the world. It helps women to relax (thus promoting ease of orgasm), which makes it like the peach Bellini or sauvignon blanc of sex (or at least in my mind, it does). It also helps men to be more active in sex, which can help to promote erections and ejaculation. Plus, it allows men to embrace feelings of power, vigor and enormous thrusting—and that can be exciting. If you still want to try WOT, I do have suggestions (don’t I always?): (1) Don’t pressure yourself to come during WOT, as that can make it more difficult to stay erect. Instead, think about switching to WOT “just for a moment.” (2) Rather than just lying there, have her squat above you, and then pump your pelvis so that you are still thrusting into her. Practice with a fleshlight (fleshlight.com) or a pillow if desired. (3) Squeeze the muscles at the base of your penis, á la “making it dance,” during sex, which can make your penis feel more active and hard (yum!). (4) Take deep breaths if you start to feel stressed, anxious or worried about your erection. Finally, just so you know, you are not on the small side at 5_ inches. That is actually just about average when it comes to erect penis length. Now go use it in happy ways.
Q I am horribly self-conscious about my cellulite. This is compounded by the fact that my guy’s ex-girlfriend was a professional dancer who had a strong, beautiful body whereas I have the body of someone who sits at her computer all day long, occasionally snacking on office candy. It keeps me from going for positions that he really enjoys (and I do, too) like doggie style or reverse cowgirl because it makes me worried he will find me really unattractive when he sees my thighs in all of their cottage-cheese glory. What’s a girl to do?
A If there is one redeeming quality to the “celebrity cellulite” gossip-magazine issues, perhaps it is that they make people realize that most women develop cellulite at some point—even skinny women and even dancers. True, dancers and athletes can reduce the appearance of their cellulite by developing strong, firm legs in which their muscles provide shape and tone, but sometimes gender and genetics have their evil way with you, no matter how well you eat or how much you exercise. The fact that your boyfriend wants to flip you over and around in positions that expose your butt and thighs makes me think that perhaps he is not nearly as bothered by your cellulite as you are. If he has had much experience with women, or if he has spent any time at all on the beach, then he likely realizes cellulite is par for the course with post-pubertal women, just as beer bellies, love handles, bald spots, and/or butt pimples are par for the course for many men. You can avoid these positions, but that may cause problems such as your boyfriend feeling rejected or concerned that your self-consciousness gets in the way of intimacy. Or you can try having sex in candlelight (like beer goggles, it makes people look better, and yet it’s calorie-free and won’t make you hungover). You can also stick your hips backward (that is, jut them back even more than you normally would, perhaps bending your knees more to facilitate this) during doggie style to flatten out your thighs (experiment in front of a mirror to see what works for you). Too, consider saving these positions for nights you have sex in the dark. Then again, you might one day put the dancer’s thighs out of your head, embrace the fact that he’s crazy about you, and go full throttle with these positions. You might also try talking to him about your self-consciousness, thus giving him the chance to reassure you of your beauty and perhaps to share some of the things that he’s self-conscious about, too.
Q A friend of mine (I’m sure you hear that one all the time but it’s true in my case, really) wanted to know if there was any information about threesomes and how they impact relationships. Do you know of any studies that would have this sort of statistic? I think it’s got to be a high number of relationships that get ruined by a threesome but don’t want to speculate if there is hard data available.
A There aren’t good studies on this topic, but there is quite good guidance in the book The Ethical Slut (Greenery Press), which I have used with many couples who are considering threesomes. Some read the book and decide to go forward with threesomes, feeling armed with ways to talk about them, who they want to be with, and how they will handle feelings of jealousy or insecurity, should they come up. Other couples I have worked with have read the book, talked the issues over and then decided they prefer to keep threesomes in their fantasy life rather than in the bedroom. It’s not a book that’s out to convince people that group sex is the way to go; in fact, it encourages careful consideration. Approach threesomes with caution; they introduce another human being into the mix, and that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I have known couples who have had great fun with threesomes as well as those who tried it and didn’t like it—but whose relationships it didn’t even come close to ruining. In fact, some find threesomes enhancing, not only to their sex lives but to their relationships. Other couples have faced enormous difficulty over the experience, but it rarely seems that it’s a threesome that makes or breaks a relationship, but how the couple deals with it.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
