Q A couple of years ago, my husband asked me to shave myself completely down there because he heard that it was the new style. Even though we are several years and a few children past caring about what “the style” is, the idea seemed to excite him, so I did it. He liked it, and it didn’t bother me, so I have kept it bare. Yesterday he texted me during the day, and said that he had a surprise for me. Usually when he says this it’s a baby-sitter and a steamy night at a hotel. Once the surprise was a new vibrator. This time, it turned out he’d decided on a whim to completely shave off all of his own hair, too. I think I was able to act excited (I am, after all, practiced at cheering for small children who learn to wipe their own butts). But I liked his hairy look. It was never mangy and always well-kept. What’s a good way get him to grow it back without offending the poor guy?

A Some girls get flowers, you get vibrators? Lucky you. If you don’t like your husband’s recent pube ’do, give yourself permission to ask him to return to his roots. You changed your hair to please him, and he seems to have gone bare hoping to excite you, too. He is likely more interested in pleasing you than in sporting any particular style. You might just say that, as much as you appreciated the novelty and the surprise of his new ’do, you kind of miss his hair and hope he’ll grow it back. In the meantime, try not to avoid his genitals, which could make him feel as if he made them unattractive or gross. Just patiently wait for the hair to return and compliment him, running your fingers through the hairs, when it’s grown in again. You might even throw in a little extra penis attention as a reward.

Q My girlfriend and I just moved in together and we have a small apartment. The bedroom doesn’t even have an actual door. She likes to have sex less often than I do, but I have no complaints. The rough patch I’m hitting is about what to do on the days when I want to have sex but she doesn’t. When we were living separately I would take care of things myself. Now that we are living together, my masturbation routine has hit a wall. If I stay in the bathroom too long, she might get suspicious or have to use the bathroom herself (we only have one). I don’t think she’d want me to do it in bed before lights out, which is what I used to do. There’s really nothing else that I can think of, which is why I came to you.

A Think of it as a small hurdle, not a wall. Most women and men have masturbated at some point in their lives, and both sexes often continue to masturbate even when they are happily in relationships, so it’s not as if this will likely be a shocker to her. One approach is to say to your girlfriend that to compensate for your differing sex drives, you’ve often masturbated on the “off days,” and that it works well for you, but that you’d like to make sure she’s comfortable with how you go about it. This shows that you intend to continue a behavior that you enjoy but that doesn’t hurt her (you have a right to pleasure your own body) and it also shows respect for her comfort, respect for your shared space and an openness to ideas—not to mention comfort with sexual communication. Some ideas to consider in your brainstorm include you masturbating in the shower or bathroom, in bed while she kisses or talks dirty to you, or alone while she’s showering or out of the house. A caution about masturbating next to her in bed, while she’s trying to fall asleep, is that it can jostle the bed and feel like a bumpy car ride—not exactly helpful to someone trying to sleep. Since most couples don’t match perfectly with their sexual desires, this is a common negotiation and one you can take on together with confidence (and maybe even a little eroticism).

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.