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Q So I’m part of the club. Four years ago, while having oral sex with my ex-girlfriend, I got genital herpes via a cold sore on her lip. I never was able to get an actual culture test while the sores were there, so I don’t know whether it’s type A or type B. Since I contracted it, I have had one outbreak which occurred a year and a half later. Is there a way to test for herpes without signs of an outbreak? Now I am single and have slept with nine other women. I feel so irresponsible. With the exception of two encounters, I have used protection. A few months ago, I went to the dermatologist for what I thought was a mole on my penis and—surprise—genital warts. I got the small bumps removed and now have another bump around the base of my penis where condoms do not cover. I feel so guilty continuing a sexually frivolous lifestyle. I have no problem with having multiple partners but feel terrible that I may be spreading these viruses. The thing is, I don’t want to settle down. But, I’m obviously in the state that I am because of the lifestyle I lead and now I’m putting others at risk. I feel so guilty. Am I a terrible person?
A When I was a little girl and got in trouble once and worried I was “bad,” my dad told me that I wasn’t a bad girl, but that sometimes I did bad things. What a great lesson to learn. Can you imagine if we were all judged by our darkest moments or the things we were least proud of? We are all complex in our humanity, and sometimes even wonderful, honest people do dishonest deeds. However, I strongly encourage you to share your sexually transmissible infection (STI) history with your partners—past and present. It may feel scary, but it’s also part of being kind, caring and sexually responsible, and you can act now to try to give your sex partners the information they deserve. This type of deception is how that dreaded “STI tree” happens, where people keep spreading infections all over the place (as in, you didn’t tell your partners, and now they don’t have the information to tell their partners, etc.). You can get tested for herpes (even without lesions present), but do ask your doctor’s office what they can or cannot tell you from their tests (e.g., Type 1 versus 2, and how reliable their office’s results are, as labs can vary). You may also be able to take antiviral medications for herpes to reduce the risk of transmission. Even though it is possible to transmit herpes without any sores present, it is less likely, so perhaps you have not transmitted it to as many people as you think. Condoms cannot fully eliminate the risk of either herpes or the human papillomavirus (HPV; some strains of this virus can cause genital warts), as they are both transmitted from skin contact. You can learn more about HPV or herpes at cdc.gov, including ways people with these infections can continue to be sexually active (hint: honest communication with partners, medical treatment in some cases, avoiding sex during herpes outbreaks and, occasionally, finding sex partners among support groups, where you already know who has what).
Q I recently heard of something called “jelqing” as a way of natural penis enlargement. I did a bit of Googling in order to get the general idea behind it (a “milking” of the penis). I also saw a good number of positive reviews from men who received measurable results, but I have not tried it yet. Do you know anything about the potential effectiveness and safety of this?
A Oh, you men and your penises! Give you guys access to Google and the next thing you know, you’re going on about supposed “natural penis enlargement.” Please, guys! Just because your genitals look all delectable and tuggable does not mean one should “milk” them for enlargement purposes. A penis is there to be tugged in loving, lustful ways—not in jelqing ways. Jelqing sometimes involves hot towels and almost always involves making the “okay” sign with one’s thumb and forefinger, and then using said digits to tug a flaccid penis with firm strokes. This supposedly gets blood flowing, which somehow magically makes the penis bigger. Others claim the jelqing motion helps “work out” the penis as if it were a muscle, and that small tears in the blood vessels help it to grow, but I have never seen any research to suggest that jelqing is safe or effective. Will Google and other search engines produce testimonials from random people on the web? Certainly. Then again, the Internet also contains claims that Fidel Castro is dead, Demi Moore is pregnant and Kate Spade had amazing purses last season (sorry, they weren’t my favorites). Even though I don’t know you, rest assured that I love your penis in the way that only sexual scientists can love strangers’ penises—which is to say I want good things for it. So, rather than recommend jelqing, I am going to recommend two books: The Penis Book (Broadway, $12.95) and A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis (Penguin, $16). You can learn from both and hopefully understand more about, and start feeling better about, your penis. If your size concerns are not cosmetic, but rather about satisfying a partner, then by all means turn to one of my all-time favorites: The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (Cleis Press, $25.95) for technique-related information. Finally, I’ll add this: Even if jelqing somehow made one’s penis longer, it might also make one’s penis thinner as the organ gets stretched and stretched. And considering that girth can be your friend when it comes to stimulating a partner’s orifices, I wouldn’t sacrifice thickness in pursuit of a jelqing dream.
Q Sometimes when I have sex with my boyfriend or masturbate, I get little cuts “down there”—on the outside, not the inside part of the vagina. I don’t exactly “go at it,” so to speak. Everything is pretty gentle. Why do you think I’m getting the cuts and what can I do about it?
A The vulva (that’s the name for the outside parts) is supersensitive to friction from sex, masturbation and even the seams on the inside crotch of fitted jeans (ladies, you know what I’m talking about). Sometimes women tear there from frequent or vigorous friction, and other times some women may be particularly prone to tearing due to hormonal changes (related to certain medications, breast-feeding or menopause). Other times, women’s vulvar skin thins and becomes fragile from certain vulvar skin conditions, such as lichen sclerosus, a skin disorder that can affect other body parts, too, but often winds up affecting men’s or women’s genitals and can cause itching, irritation and fragile skin. Since your cuts, like your boyfriend, are more than a one-time thing, I’d suggest checking with a dermatologist. He or she can make sure your skin is in good condition. If it is, then one or more of the following may be helpful strategies to reduce the risk of vulvar tearing: use a lubricant when you have sex or masturbate, choose sex positions that allow for more control on your part, opt for even gentler sex if possible, and masturbate with the pads of your fingers rather than the nail-sharp tips.
Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.
