Q About three months ago, I decided I would become a “better lover.” The first thing I did was read up on Kegel exercises. I started doing them right away and noticed results (ability to move my penis a great distance) after a few weeks. Once I started having sex, I noticed that, although I was somewhat harder and had more control over my johnson, I came without an orgasm. My orgasms have never been of the kind I hear other men (and women) go on about, but I used to get some pleasure. Now I have nothing but a sticky stomach when I am done. Can you help me get my orgasms back?

A Before we dig into your own orgasms too deeply, let’s address these orgasms that other men and women “go on about.” It is true that some people experience very deep pleasure during orgasms whereas others have less climactic meh-gasms, but generally speaking, I think orgasms are overhyped. Look, orgasms are lovely for most people; I myself am a fan. But are they so amazing the bulk of the time that one’s mind is blown? Of course not. Neither are penises or intercourse or whatever else. If you believe much of what has been written about sex, one would be living in a land of “throbbing, bulging cocks as hard as steel” (ouch!) and orgasms that come in “waves and waves of unimaginable ecstasy.” In reality, orgasms tend to range from “that was nice” to “gosh, that was amazing.” Now on to your orgasms. During sexual excitement, the body gears up for orgasm by involuntarily tensing its muscles throughout the body—hence, even distant parts like toes and lips might curl and the “o face” rears its funny-looking head. If you are purposely contracting your muscles, it may be overkill, and your body may be having less dramatic responses (e.g., from intense, involuntary muscular tension to intense, involuntary release of tension—a.k.a. orgasm). If you still practice your Kegel exercises, make sure to focus just as much on the relaxation aspect after you contract. The idea is to squeeze one’s PC muscle (which both women and men have; one can identify it by squeezing to stop the flow of urine while peeing) and then releasing. During sex or masturbation, try to focus on deep breathing and relaxation to see if you are able to start at a relaxed state and allow your body to work on building muscular tension all on its own. And remember, too, that there are many other ways to be a “better lover” that have absolutely zilch to do with your penis.

Q My boyfriend can’t last very long, a few minutes max. He also has occasional issues with keeping his erection. We have tried everything. If he loses his erection, I go down on him or use my hands, but once it’s gone, it ain’t coming back. I asked him to ask his doctor about Viagra, but the doctor told him that he didn’t think it would help him because he was young and healthy and it was probably in his head. I asked him to try masturbation exercises for stamina, and he has recently started, but how long until we see results? I’m getting impatient here.

A No sooner do I tell a man that there are ways to be a good lover that have nothing to do with his penis then—bam!—enter someone who implies that her boyfriend needs to learn complete and total control over his penis. Oh, my. You absolutely must let up on your boyfriend and his penis. Men cannot control their erections or their ejaculation—and when we put pressure on them to overcome biology in this way, it freaks them out, hurts their feelings and can often end up hurting a couple’s sex life. Or else men unnecessarily medicate themselves with drugs they don’t need in an effort to please their partners. A few basics: Most men will have occasional erection problems, just like we women don’t always lubricate much. Erectile problems are not the same as erectile dysfunction (the former is sporadic and the latter is more persistent). Also, most men don’t last all that long during penetration; they’re more like wind-up toys than Energizer bunnies. Masturbation exercises such as the stop-start and squeeze techniques can help many men to learn to delay ejaculation but also may take weeks or months to produce significant improvement. If he wants to try these (he shouldn’t feel forced to do so by you), he can read descriptions I’ve posted at kinseyconfidential.org or mysexprofessor.com, or he can read Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex (New Harbinger, $14.95). My favorite book, though, is one I want to recommend to you both. The New Male Sexuality (Bantam, $17) is focused on sex myths related to men, issues of performance (and pressure) and how couples can learn to have more honest, communicative and pleasurable sex lives. You might also try other ways of experiencing pleasure that are less penis-focused such as cunnilingus, breast stimulation, mutual body massage and toy play.

Q I don’t get the big deal about the clitoris. Whenever I have tried rubbing mine, I don’t feel anything good. If anything, it’s annoying. I have only ever had orgasms from intercourse, and I want to be able to have a clitoral orgasm but don’t know how. I never masturbate because it just kind of sucks. What can I do to have an orgasm from rubbing my clit?

A Human beings are built mostly the same but a little bit differently from each other, resulting in a striking variety. Unfortunately, given the fact that we are such social creatures, it also results in a lot of stress to fit in and be like everybody else. Or at least how we perceive everyone else to be. The thing is, the clitoris has entered our consciousness only fairly recently in Western society. It used to be that intercourse between a man and a woman was the only really valid way of having sex. In old-school-style sex, women’s orgasms weren’t at all important. Then came Freud, but he spoke about vaginal orgasm as the more mature type of orgasm. It took Alfred Kinsey and then Masters and Johnson to drive home the importance of clitoral stimulation in the 1950s–1970s. In the 1980s, the new rage became the G-spot. And now there are more invented spots and orgasm types than I can keep track of (and that are often figments of pop culture’s imagination). And all around, I see women like you trying to make their bodies respond in a way that their bodies simply don’t dig. Maybe your clitoris would respond to something other than “rubbing.” Have you tried gentle touch? Vibration? Or running water in the bath tub? If you don’t enjoy direct clitoral stimulation, that’s okay. Not all women do. Vaginal penetration stimulates the clitoris, too—just indirectly, as the clitoris has two interior branches, each a few inches long, called “crura.” You may be enjoying clitoral stimulation without even realizing it. As for masturbation, there are numerous ways to go about it, and since you enjoy vaginal penetration, you might consider using a dildo rather than stimulating your clitoris. There are all kinds of fun dildos, including glass (really more similar to Pyrex) dildos that you can warm or cool under water as well as dildos with suction cups that you can use in the shower, just to name a few possibilities.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.