Q I got a divorce from my ex-wife several months ago and have recently gotten remarried to another woman. When my ex-wife and I used to have sex, she would do this thing where she used her pussy muscles to squeeze the head of my penis. I loved it. It was the biggest tease and would make me feel on the verge of coming. My new wife can’t squeeze my penis nearly as hard as my last wife did. I asked her to squeeze as hard as she can, but it’s a no-go. I read about Kegel exercises and asked her if she would be willing to practice so that she could train her pussy to squeeze my cock tighter during sex. She got really mad at me, refused to try and hasn’t squeezed me at all since then—not even light squeezes. I don’t dare go there again. Since it seems I’m on my own, is there something else that you would suggest? Can I do self-squeezes with something other than my hand? Is there some kind of toy or device that I can buy or make? I’ve considered wrapping a tie around my cock, or an Ace bandage dipped in baby oil, or a cock ring. Any ideas?

A Idea No. 1: Try not to compare sex with Wife A to sex with Wife B. Ever heard the phrase “compare and despair”? Idea No. 2: Try to avoid asking a woman to learn to make her vagina tighter. Many women are annoyed with a culture that prizes illusory virgin-tight vaginas. You are married to an adult woman. Her vagina is what it is, and it is hers, not yours. If you want her to squeeze more, try complimenting her when she does it even a little (as in, “I love you when grip me like that” or “Mmm…it feels so good when you do that”) rather than asking for more, more, more. Idea No. 3: Given the rift that’s been caused over the tightness issue, you might consider an apology and trying to talk—gently and with compassion—about the issue, lest it continue to damage your sex life. The fact that she hasn’t squeezed your penis at all since then makes me think that she may still be bothered by it and is withholding what you enjoy as punishment. Rifts often turn into ruts, so act now. Idea No. 4: Consider the Fleshlight (fleshlight.com), a masturbation device disguised as an industrial-size flashlight (a soft, fleshy vagina/mouth/anus–looking sleeve is positioned inside). Not only does it function as a sleeve, but it also has a dial on the bottom that controls suction. Various other sleeves can be found at local adult sex shops, such as the Pleasure Chest (3436 N Lincoln Ave, 773-525-7151) and Cupid’s Treasures (3519 N Halsted St, 773-348-3884). Homemade devices can work, too, but no matter what you try, it is generally not recommended to keep any constricting device on the penis for longer than 20 minutes at a time.

Q For the first time in my life, I have fallen in love with a guy enough to let him come inside me. I thought it would make us feel closer to each other (I’m on birth control, so I’m not too worried about getting pregnant, and we are both STI-free). Instead, it just makes me feel gross. I didn’t know that it would make my vagina smell different, let alone that semen would seep out of me long after sex was over. I thought it would all come out after I stood up or went to pee. Is the dripping normal? Is there anything I can do about the smell?

A Is there anything sweeter than the mingling of love and semen? Oh, um, yeah, maybe not the smell. Then again, some people love—and I mean really crave—the scent of their partner’s fluids in or on them. I know some men and women who prefer not to shower after sex because they want to go to school or work and be able to smell their partner on them. Hot. On that note, you might try giving it some time to see if you become more comfortable with Eau de Ejacu-vag. What would it hurt? Douching is generally not recommended as it can upset the delicate balance of healthy bacteria in a woman’s vagina. Feminine hygiene sprays, powders and deodorants are also not recommended, as they can cause vulvar or vaginal irritation. If you truly cannot stand it, you might either return to condoms or ask him to ejaculate elsewhere, like on your stomach or in a towel. If the smell is particularly intense, check in with your health-care provider, as some vaginal infections give tell-tale signs of terrible odors once ejaculate mixes with a woman’s fluids (weird but true). As for the seepage issue, yes, that’s common. The vagina isn’t cylindrical; it is a bit cavernous toward the back, and so sometimes a little semen hides out there and serves as a surprise drip hours afterward. Oh, the joys of sex.

Q I am bored with my husband and our nonexistent sex life. He is the most endearing man. A good husband, good father, but not sexy to me anymore. He’s gained a little weight since we married, but I don’t think that’s it. It’s not that I’ve lost all desire for sex. I think a guy at work is sexy, and then there’s the guy in my yoga class that I like staring at, too, and who I masturbate to when my husband is not home or when he’s in the shower. I don’t know what to do. I am too young for my sex life to be over. I don’t want to cheat. I love him, but I also can’t go on with the same old routine of waking up, kissing each other good morning, going through our days, coming home, reading together in bed, then turning the lights out and going to sleep. Where do we go from here?

A You make your routine sound as sexy as lather, rinse, repeat. I’m sorry that you’re in a sex rut, but please don’t give up! Particularly if you are generally happy with your marriage, I would hate for you to cast a bad light on things just because of a lack of desire for your husband. Marriage is one instance in which it seems there is little truth in advertising. Wedding websites, bridal magazines and Hollywood endings make lasting coupledom seem full of romance, sex and attraction. Even sex research bears out the fact that married couples tend to have higher rates of sex and tend to be more satisfied with their sex than single folks. That doesn’t mean, however, that every sex act is awesome or that every year is a bountiful one in the lust department; like crops, the harvest is better in some seasons than others. So it is with sex over the long haul. I’d encourage you to think of this more as a blip than a life sentence. I’d also recommend reading Mating in Captivity (Harper, $13.95), a relatively new book that explores the challenges of keeping passion alive (a feeling that thrives on mystery, insecurity and not knowing what one’s chances are of being with someone) in the context of a stable, secure, committed marriage (conditions that don’t exactly make for mystery). You might find some surprising ideas in this book about how to create a little distance between you and your husband so that you have room not only to breathe, but to feel excited by him again. You might even try channeling some of your sexual fantasies with your downward-dog dude into sex with your husband; you certainly wouldn’t be the first person to think about someone else during intercourse, and it might be just enough to help you reconnect and build sexual bonds with the man you love.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.