Just for Laughs 2013: Best jokes we heard during the fest

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  • �You know what�s weird? I hate yogurt-covered raisins, but I love Go-Gurt-covered Craisins.�-David Cross

  • �Excuse me, miss, my penis just died. Do you mind if I bury it in your ass?�-Doug Benson

  • �When I was 32, I had the tits of a 14-year-old girl. Now, at 46, I have the tits of a woman who has seen a hard road.�-Brian Posehn

  • �I eat like a rich old lady�s dog�-Brian Posehn

  • �The Portillo�s Italian beef is the only sandwich I�d like to fuck.�-Nick Swardson

  • �You know how people say the grass is always greener? I say the mud is always shit-browner.�-Chelsea Peretti

  • �I said, �This party should have Whack-A-Mole!� And another lady on the party committee said, �I�m sorry. I believe it�s pronounced guacamole.��-Cameron Esposito

  • �We�re talking about fingerfucking for the kids.�-Brian Babylon

  • "If you're going to use Pandora for your sexy-time at least upgrade to the commercial-free."-Anjelah Johnson

  • "You guys, if you ever hear that I was kidnapped, don't call the police. Call Liam Neeson, please."-Anjelah Johnson

  • "The whole pleasure of Mal�rt is its utter disgustingness. Why do hipsters have to take everything good and try to make it�good?"-John Hodgman

  • �What�s worse? Wearing a fedora or killing 15 people?�-Chelsea Peretti

  • �I get a new tattoo every two years, because that�s how long it takes me to forget what forever means.�-Caitlin Bergh

  • �Oh shit, there is a very fine line between city lesbian and hillbilly.�-Ever Mainard

  • �I like the kind of girl who looks like she could put a kink in your crank with one kegel.�-Mike Stanley

  • "You don't have a wireless network, but you look like the kind of guy who knows his way around a Thai massage." -Al Madrigal

  • "I like the Amtrak, they have a pretty chill gun policy."-Hannibal Buress

  • "Did people here think I'm Jewish? That's fair because of my name and my face and everything about me."-Seth Meyers

  • �Did you know it�s possible on Netflix to run out of genocide documentaries?�-Maria Bamford

  • �I�m deeply uncomfortable with children, so that�s why I send my niece and nephew a box of wigs.�-Maria Bamford

  • �People say it�s so easy to cook, but it�s not as easy as not cooking.�-Maria Bamford

  • �All I know are writers, directors and actors. People who walking into a room and say, �I love this space. Is there a way we can make it bigger and smaller at the same time.��-Dylan Moran

  • �We had a crisis where I live. Everyone ran out of the same organic pesto at the same time.�-Dylan Moran

�You know what�s weird? I hate yogurt-covered raisins, but I love Go-Gurt-covered Craisins.�-David Cross

In some cases, it's really true that "you had to be there," but some of the best jokes from Just for Laughs stand on their own. Check out our slideshow of one-liners from comics like David Cross, Brian Posehn, John Hodgman and Chelsea Peretti.


RECOMMENDED: Just for Laughs 2013 guide



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