Chicago celebrities as Star Wars characters
We imagine Chicago celebrities like Kanye and Rahm as characters in the Star Wars universe. Do not expect Boba Cutt in Episode VII.
Wed Apr 30 2014
We sleep in Star Wars sheets, teach our kids to read with Star Wars primers and fill the Internet with Star Wars gossip. Let's be real: We live in the Star Wars universe. Hoth, specifically, it seems. The Disney megafranchise is heating up again with a new batch of movies, perhaps a neverending one, starting in 2015 with Episode VII: Han Solo Dies. (We made that up.)
George Lucas is an honorary Chicagoan now, after his marriage to local busineswoman extraordinaire Mellody Hobson. Our city might soon be the home of the George Lucas Museum (but it will hopefully not house these items). Time Out recently ranked the top 50 Stars Wars characters ever. So we decided to cast some of Chicago's major players as heroes and villains in a galaxy far, far away.
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J.B. Pritzker as Senator Pritzkertine
The Sith in government might ostensibly run things, but this phantom bankroller (and his family) behind the scenes holds the real power in the Chicago system. The billionaire venture capitalist is also a philanthropist, which keeps him away from the Dark Side. His cousin does have a military museum, though.
Mellody Hobson as Mell Mothma
Though her husband continues to attempt to ruin the known universe with farting droids and digital creatures, this stately leader and investment executive does the Chicago system proud, sitting on the chair of many trade federations.
Billy Corgan as Anakin Pumpkinsmasher
Once a guitar Jedi with the world in his grasp, Anakin fell to the Dark Side, wearing long leather skirts and spouting vainglorious statements of his power. After finally being beaten down by the younger generation, he found some redemption, opening a quiet tea house in a tranquil and remote outer system.
Mavis Staples as Sy Staples
The Max Rebo Band went through some tough times. Always the Coldplay to the Cantina Band's Radiohead, the group came out strong with "Lapti Nek," only to replace that winning grove in its set with tripe like "Jedi Rocks." Then, finally, the band struck gold when R&B diva Sy Staples took over, after Jabba's palace was gentrified and turned into a City Winery.
Paul Kahan as Obi Wan Kahanobi
Slicing and dicing with his trusty lightcutlery, this top chef is a true master of his craft. His retaurant group, One Off Hospitality, serves up the strongest food in the system. The force is strong in his padawan Erling Wu-Bower.
Rod Blagojevich as Jar Jar Blagojevich
Heesa stepped in doo-doo. Though in this trilogy, the bumbling Gungan does not even get to sniff the capital. He ends up banished to a prison planet.
Joel Quenneville as Grand Moff Quenneville
We're not saying the Blackhawks are the Empire, but a dynasty, perhaps. Grand Moff Q is a brilliant tactician who is constantly shuffling his roster of bounty hunters like PK-88, Hossk and Tazer Fett. He's simply the coolest MF in the game and he treats St. Louis like Dantooine.
Jeff Tweedy as Tweewok
This lovable little furrball doesn't look like much, but his lo-fi ingenuity takes on the the large machinations of the record industry. He fronts a band with a percussionist who loves to play a kit made of droid parts and bones, though some think he'll never recapture the glory of his seminal album, Yankee Hotel Yub Nub. Still, you just want to hug the guy.
Tavi Gevinson as Tavi Skywalker
A rookie in the Chicago system, this new hope recently managed to melt down the Steppenwolf computers through the sheer force of her coolness. She's the hero to a new generation who prays she never falls to the Dark Side. We don't see that happening.
Derrick Rose as AT-DR1
Wobble, wobble, wobble. Who designed the fucking legs on this thing?
Theo Epstein as C3-THEO
Once the golden boy of baseball, this number-loving analytics droid can be seen standing over the shoulder of Cubs players in the dugout spouting advanced metrics. "Never tell me the odds!" shouts the manager. "Actually, the BsR of the Cardinals against Capt. Samardzija should be 1.73456…" Put a pipe in it, goldenrod!
Rahm Emanuel as Darth Rahm
Who needs a double-ended lightsaber with that mouth? The short-tempered leader ruthlessly cuts through schools and watches as half of his system falls into senseless violence.
Jay Cutler as Boba Cutt
Oh, you scamp. Boba Cutt winks at the ladies in the bar, swaggers onto the battlefield, throws a handful of amazing blasts…then falls into a giant teeth-pit and dies.
Kanye West as Kan Solo
He says he's not in it for the money, but the bounty is nice. The adored anti-hero is the coolest smuggler in the galaxy, but sometimes you wish he'd just shut up. Constantly brags about his ride; married to Wookie Kym Kashyyykian.