Heard on the street, December 27, 2012, edition

Beard Papa is totally some guy’s Grindr username.

No, it’s not a cold sore! It’s chapped and dry!

So my wife says, “I want to make sure we aren’t being defrauded. Do you go to Starbucks a lot?”

Thanks to me, this plant just moved from a tiny studio to a spacious one-bedroom.

“Whatcha doing?” “Just lookin’ at tweezers that are $25.”

With all that smoke, you can’t even see a ten-inch cock in front of your face.

It’s so cold. Let’s just stay in and order a hooker.

That makes me happy that someone sent me dick pics.

There was a time when a lot of my friends were into Adderall. I never really got into it.

I can look at a man’s ass and pretend it’s a woman’s.