The Nooner | Chicago news and beyond | October 20, 2011

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The Nooner: Chicago news and beyond
Today's news is about those wild animals on the loose in Ohio. Also, the apocalypse.

Local hero slaps pro footballer
So, my headline there might not accurately reflect the official story: The official story is that a local man is really, really sorry that he slapped Chicago Bears receiver Devin Hester in the back of the head. However, anyone who is willing to slap a guy who looks like this for cutting in line deserves a medal. The man might not be smart, but he’s certainly courageous. He wasn’t even upset because he thought Hester had cut him in line—he thought Hester had butted in front of an elderly couple waiting to cash out at a casino. Whether Hester did, in fact, cut in line has not been determined. It kinda seems like he didn't, which makes this all seem less heroic. Still, ballsy.

Update on the exotic animals in Ohio
So I’m assuming you've heard that the owner of a huge number of exotic animals in Zanesville, Ohio opened all the animals’ cages and then shot himself, releasing lions, monkies, tigers, wolves and bears into the countryside. Here’s the update: It’s down to one loose monkey. All other animals have been trapped or killed. A total of 48 animals were shot, including 18 endangered Bengal tigers and 17 lions. The extra crappy thing about the tigers is that there are very few of them alive worldwide (population estimates range widely, as low as 1,200). So the animal-control officers in Ohio just killed about one percent of the world’s population of Bengal tigers. Super sad. My advice to the monkey: You’re not going to make it in the wild, little dude. Ohio gets really, really cold. So go find a little jacket or a tutu, some kind of hat and maybe a baby rattle. Then, and only then, head towards civilization; your cuteness can save you. If you know how to moonwalk or juggle, this is the time for that.

Chicago designers hit “Project Runway” spinoff
Project Runway spinoff Project Accessory will debut with two local Chicago designers among the contestants, Diego Rocha and James Sommerfeldt. Rocha has a handbag boutiqe at 1050 N State St and has a penchant for exotic skins (uh, I know where you can get some Bengal tiger hide if you act fast, Diego). Sommerfeldt is an Art Institute student and shoe designer.

Scary Facebook app shows how much you’re giving away online
A spooky new Facebook app called Take This Lollipop illustrates just how much info you are giving away online. Once you give the app permission to access your Facebook account, it uses your info to cast you as the unwitting victim of a deranged online stalker. The last scene shows him driving to your house (having already calculated your address using geolocation information on your photos)—with your picture taped to his car dashboard. Eep.

Also, just in case you didn’t see these two important news items yet
Ousted Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi has been killed, according to Libya’s interim rulers. Also, tomorrow is the (re-scheduled) apocalypse. Coincidentally, also my birthday, about which I am very conflicted. I mean, it will be nice to celebrate without all those evangelicals around, but isn’t the earth supposed to flood with fire or something? That doesn’t sound very festive.


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