Arrested English

In an extract from his new book about life in a Beijing hutong, Michael Meyer explains how Beijing's police officers have been taught English ahead of the Olympics

Police officer Li, who was thin and fit, with thick hair parted neatly to the right, was an eager learner of English. He took me out for dumplings and asked me to teach him every English swear word because "I want to know when a foreigner is calling me a bad name." As the rounds of beers kept coming, and customers at other tables turned to stare, I compared Officer Li to body parts, told him what to do with himself, and appraised his mother. He nodded happily and asked for more.

Li’s foray into English learning started when Beijing announced that 35 percent of its population would be competent in spoken English by the start of the Olympics, including six thousand police officers.

The police studied from a textbook titled Olympic Security English. In dialogues named "Dissuading Foreigners from Excessive Drinking" and "How to Stop Illegal News Coverage," the lessons presented such pattern drills as "I’m afraid we’ll have to detain you temporarily."

Politeness was stressed:

...come to our office

Would you be able to... ?

Excuse me, would you... ?

Sorry to trouble you, could you... ?

Do me a favor and , will you... ?

As was protecting the honor of local women:

Please don’t...

...be too familiar with the girl.

...be so rude to that lady.

...take too many liberties with the waitress.

...take pictures.

...take photographs.

...do that.

But so was directness:

Don’t ...

...pretend to be innocent.

...try to fool us.

...play any tricks.

The two hundred pages of Olympic Security English taught officers how to break up press coverage of a Falun Gong demonstration, send home a teenager caught out after curfew, interrogate a heroin addict, and crack an antiques smuggling ring.

The foreign characters in the textbook’s dialogues said things like "So what if I’m drunk! Waitress! I want a girl to drink with me!" and "You will never convict me" (a soccer hooligan promised that, after braining a fan with a stadium seat). The other baddies were Muslims, such as "Mohammed Ali." In Lesson Fifteen, a burglar was apprehended in a tourist’s Beijing hotel room. The Chinese officer asked why he was there.

FOREIGNER: Because my family was killed when the U.S. bombed Afghanistan. I became homeless and I hate Americans.
POLICE: We feel sympathy for your misfortune. But your behavior to deliberately hurt an innocent American is against our law, and you disrupted our social order, especially during the Olympic Games. You caused a disturbance and damaged the reputation of our country, so you should shoulder the criminal responsibilities.
FOREIGNER: I didn’t consider that much. And I didn’t intend to make trouble for China.
POLICE: You must tell all that you did. Don’t make any more trouble for yourself.
FOREIGNER: Yes, ma’am.

Micheal Meyer’s The Last Days of Old Beijing (Walker) comes out this month and is available online, priced around 150RMB.