Stress in the city

Are you about to blow your top Bruce Banner style? Turns out you're not alone. Dr Caroline Simons explains how to control your anger

I have a confession to make. A few weeks I threw a towel at a vendor in Yashow market in a blind rage. I’ve also been known to shout "oh bugger off!" to sales girls in ONLY in Oriental Plaza, and go mental at taxi drivers who claim they know the way to the Great Wall when in fact they don’t. I’m not particularly proud of any of the above – in fact I’m really rather ashamed of myself. The problem is that such moments seem to happen all too often to me these days – and I’m not the only one. A quick straw pole among friends revealed that they too find themselves steaming about something or other most days. In the name of research (and my sanity), visiting a specialist seemed to be a good idea.

Dr Caroline Simons is a psychologist at the International SOS who deals with people with anger issues. "It’s a very common problem but people rarely come and seek treatment for it," she says in a suspiciously calm voice. "That usually only happens if they’ve been given an ultimatum, for example if they’re going to lose their job," she adds. Luckily no-one’s set me a deadline just yet – though something tells me my boyfriend’s pretty close…

"The main problem is that when people get angry, it doesn’t occur to them to look at themselves," says Simons. "They look at the other person or the situation and think that what’s happening isn’t fair. What they should be doing is thinking "'I can control my anger – I can do something about my anger that makes me feel better about the situation.'"

That’s all very well if you’re some sort of living Buddha, I counter, but what about normal people? When I first arrived in Beijing it felt as though taxi drivers were just being awkward when they said they didn’t know where I was trying to get to. How could they not know where 798 was? Surely that was their job? A case in point, says Simons. "People often get into a situation where they think they have a right to be angry. OK, perhaps you do have a right to be angry, there’s nothing wrong with having anger, but it’s what you do with it that counts," she adds. "On occasions like that where you can’t do very much, what you certainly can do is tell yourself things like 'I’ll learn to direct them there next time' or 'that’s just China' to help you feel a little bit better. Do something that helps you calm down and then promise yourself you’ll work it out later."

So rather than the other person making us angry, she concludes, it’s our own way of thinking that’s the problem. Still sounds easier said than done…

"Anger is a signal that something is wrong and you obviously want to address whatever it is that’s wrong but you can’t do that effectively if you’re blowing your top – so the answer is to walk away for a few minutes, do some deep breathing, maybe walk around the block, whatever’s going to help you calm down, and then when you come back you can deal with things in a more calm way." Another technique Simons champions is "self talk." I’m afraid she’s recommending babbling away to yourself under your breath like the madmen you see on the subway. Luckily she’s talking about something entirely different.

"If someone bursts into your office and starts to yell at you about something really unreasonable, you’ll need to deal with that person but it’s not as though you can just walk out," she explains. "So instead just stay still, and tell yourself that you may be angry, but that you can handle the situation. Just sort of withdraw into yourself and take some deep breaths and then when you’ve got control of yourself, then you’re going to be able to talk more calmly to the other person and deal with the situation much better.

"The important thing is to find a middle path to deal with your anger, not holding it in or exploding either. As a result, being assertive is another useful skill. If you can assertively and effectively deal with a situation then you’re less likely to bottle it up and become angry." Later that evening I’m late for dinner with a friend (a particularly annoying trait of mine) and the taxi driver decides to take a particularly moronic route, so that we almost immediately hit a huge traffic jam. Instead of quietly fuming in the back seat, I muster the strength to acknowledge that it’s not his fault I’m late, it’s my fault. And we’re in the jam now; I might as well take out my iPod and make the most of it. Just don’t ask what happened when he touched the bumper of the car in front ten minutes later…

Sarah Keenlyside