The booze hound

Is this Stone Boat still going to be afloat?

The lamentable news this month is that the management team who have been running Ritan’s Stone Boat have been replaced. This will probably mean the end of the sporadic (yet wonderful) outdoor parties they hosted in the summer.

It also means that if your friends see you stumbling away from Ritan’s South Gate late at night you’ll no longer be able to rely on the convincing fabrication ‘I was at a great party at the Stone Boat,’ from now on you’ll just have to admit that you were at Maggie’s.

This month’s oddest new event comes in the washboard shape of Tun’s Thursday night belly-baring contest, where Beijing’s more brazen boys are invited to get on stage and lift their shirts to a no doubt howling group of women, who are expected to be so consumed with lust that they’ll buy you a bottle of Stella.

The stomach that gets the most Stella bought for it will receive ten free shots and a Tun T-shirt to drape over itself.

Despite the fact that Stella drinkers don’t tend to have the kind of stomach anyone wants to see – they’re often saggy, sweaty, and only barely covered by an extra large England football shirt – we’re worried that the only men who’ll show up to this will be complete bastards, who wear sunglasses at night, talk about what ‘products’ they put in their hair and have tonnes of self-snapped pics of their muscles on Facebook.

The tagline for the event is ‘So boys, are you too sexy for your body?’ which I think applies directly to me. I’m an incredibly sexual, sensual being, possessed of a legendary libido and a creative yet chaotic carnal mindset prone to plundering the limits of tantric endurance.

Sadly I’m trapped in the body of a divorced walrus with diabetes and a Burger King loyalty card, and nobody wants to buy beer for that. Ross Goulding