'The Hobbit': a fantasy casting

As news breaks of yet another rumoured participant in Guillermo del Toro’s ‘The Hobbit’ - this time centring around Matthew Goode as Bilbo - we at Time Out thought we’d take a pop at casting our own version. Ian McKellen and Andy Serkis are already confirmed to reprise their ‘Rings’ roles, but there are still plenty of juicy parts up for grabs...

Philip Seymour Hoffman as Bilbo Baggins
Who? Portly ginger sadsack, icon of indie cinema.

Why? In the book, Bilbo starts out as a cosy, unpreposessing soul – all he wants is to sit peacefully and watch the world go by from the porch of his hobbit hole. But adventure is forced upon him, and he spends much of the time acting pretty miserable about it. Who better to express the tortured journey of a hero cut adrift in a wide world he doesn't understand than Hollywood's prime purveyor of middle class existential angst?

Special power: Gravitas

Key line: 'Riddles in the dark? My life is just a long series of riddles in the dark...'


Wilford Brimley as Thorin Oakenshield
Who? Grouchy, veteran character actor of ‘The Thing’, ‘The Natural’ and, erm… ‘Summer of the Monkeys’.

Why? With the sober bearing and becoming arrogance of a Civil War general, Brimley’s the sort you’d just hate to disappoint. If he rocked up on your doorstep with twelve beery chums and asked you to knock up some grub, kiss goodbye to hearth and home and burgle a dragon’s crown jewels, you’d hop to it, by god!

Special powers: Cartography. Disdain.

Key line: ‘A hobbit with a magic ring is like tits on a bull, dagnabbit!’


Leslie Phillips as the voice of Smaug the Dragon
Who? Silky toned innuendo merchant and beloved Britcom veteran

Why? With his louche air of cultural superiority, his obsession with good manners and his avaricious love of quality merchandise, Smaug is basically an ageing nineteenth century dandy trapped in the body of a giant fire-breathing worm. With an extensive track record of debonair, girl-chasing gadflies behind him, Philips seems the ideal man to voice this sauciest of saurian sky-soarers.

Special power: Sarcasm. And fire breathing.

Key line: ‘Ring dong!’


Craig Fairbrass as Bard the Bowman
Who? ‘EastEnders’/‘Cliffhanger’ stud/thug currently plying his trade in low-budget cockernee tear-ups.

Why? Grim-faced, stout-hearted, shunned by his own people, Bard is the Aragorn of ‘The Hobbit’. It is also a description that fits hardman thespian Fairbrass to a T, and since Sean Bean has already had a tilt at Tolkein, he looks a good each way bet to slip into Bard’s breeches.

Special powers: Born within the sound of Bil-Bow Bells

Key line: ‘Anyone for arrers?’


Billy Corgan as Thranduil the Elf King
Who? Bolshy, slaphead electro-snob and Smashing Pumpkins frontman

Why? Tolkein’s elves have three defining characteristics: they’re skinny, they’re sullen and they’re spectacularly pretentious, none more so than intolerant, intellectually arrogant woodland poseur Thranduil. With his gaunt frame and tendency to verbally lash out at unsuspecting audience members, all Corgan needs is a blonde wig and he’s fit for purpose.

Special power: Superiority

Key line: ‘I’m not a goth, I’m an elf!’


Vinnie Jones, Ross Kemp and 'Mad' Frankie Fraser as The Three Trolls
Who? A footballer-turned-actor, an actor-turned-journo and a gangland face-turned-elder statesman of crime.

Why? Bilbo gets off to a rocky start when he stumbles across three troglodytic cockney trolls as he journeys into the East. We are in no way suggesting that these three fine British institutions in any way resemble this bald description, but, y’know, horses for courses…

Special powers: Intimidation with menaces*.

Key line: ‘Jellify im!’

* Joke, guys. Joke.


Anne Ramsey as The Goblin King
Who? Deceased woman-mountain, star of ‘The Goonies’ and ‘Throw Momma from the Train’

Why? Film technicians have been muttering for a while about the possibility of using motion capture and CG animation to reanimate deceased actors. Anne Ramsey’s unique strain of muscular spite has been in short supply in Hollywood of late (Susan Sarandon is just no substitute), and the meaty, commanding role of Goblin King seems the perfect fit for her individual talents. This could be the perfect fusion of talent and technology.

Special power: Yelling.

Key line: ‘These goddamn hobbits are trying to kill me!’


Rich Hall as Balin
Who? Irascible US comedian with a penchant for rambling tales and country music.

Why? Balin was the observant one in the Dwarf company – in the ‘Look out, there are trolls in that clearing!’ sense, rather than the ‘What’s the deal with airplane peanuts?’ sense – and Hall’s clear-sighted outlook, allied to a yen for travel and a Dwarf-like face that looks like a catcher’s mitt trying to ingest itself, mean that he’d be the perfect foil for grumpy old Thorin.

Special powers: Grit, wit and spit.

Key line: ‘How do you solve a problem like Moria..?’


Kris Kristofferson as Beorn
Who? Road-weary, hirsute country music legend and long-suffering Peckinpah alumnus

Why? Every Tolkien movie needs a musical interlude, and if Del Toro sees sense enough to eschew Peter Jackson’s warbly new-age Enya preoccupation, a little old-time country would be just the thing to bring our heroes back to (middle) Earth. All we really know about Beorn is that he’s big, hairy and conflicted: the perfect fit for avuncular-but-edgy man-bear Kristofferson.

Special power: Pickin’, grinnin’, cookin’ up a mess o' vittles

Key songs: ‘Me and Bilbo McGee’, ‘Stop Dragon My Heart Around’, ‘Short People’, ‘Suspicious Mines’ and this little number.


Eleven starry-eyed plebs as The Other Dwarfs
Who? A deluded bunch of hysterical wannabes chosen by the public.

Why? The buzzwords in Hollywood these days are ‘crossover appeal’. What better way to re-introduce Middle Earth to the masses than a shiny-floored ITV ‘X Factor’-type show called ‘Strictly Come Dwarfing’ or ‘Thorin and Davina's Saturday Night Boot Camp’ to decide the lucky hopefuls…?

Special powers: Shrieking, mewling, more shrieking.

Key line: ‘Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Bofur Cobaltfoundry!’

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