Film

Early 2009, Hollywood

Studio boss ‘Get me a release date!’

Assistant ‘For what?’

Studio boss ‘A film, dumbass.’

Assistant ‘Cool. Who’s in it?’

Studio boss ‘Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz! Tom and Cam! Cruise and Diaz! Together again!’

Assistant ‘What’s it called?’

Studio boss ‘ “Untitled Cruise/Diaz Comedy Project 2010”. ’

Assistant ‘Catchy. It’s a comedy?’

Studio boss ‘It’s going to be funny.’

Assistant ‘What’s it about?’

Studio boss ‘Cruise is going to be funny. Did you see him in “Tropic Thunder”? So funny.’

Assistant ‘What’s it about?’

Studio boss ‘And Diaz is going to be funny. Everyone loves her. Men. Women. She’s normal. Cute. Maybe a bit grubby. Did you see her in “What Happens in Vegas”? So funny.’

Assistant ‘What’s it about?’

Studio boss ‘It’s going to be funny. And loud. Lots of explosions. A plane crash. Cruise on the roof of a car. Cruise on a bike. Cruise jumping from roofs. The “Mission: Impossible” fans will love it. China is gonna go nuts. India will wet its panties.’

Assistant ‘What’s it about?’

Studio boss ‘It’s going to be funny. And we’re going to travel. America! Austria! Spain! A tropical beach! Oh, and we’ll have some bulls in Seville, doing some crazy running and shit.’

Assistant ‘What’s it about?’

Studio boss ‘It’s going to be funny. Cruise is some sort of agent, Diaz is a regular gal who doesn’t know what the hell is going on. Real head-spinning stuff. For people with little heads. There’ll be a plane chasing Cruise like in “North by Northwest”. Have you seen that? And there’ll be a scene on a train in Europe like another one of those Hitchcocks. It’ll be funny.’

Assistant ‘And… it’s about?’

Studio boss ‘Don’t you think Tom’s teeth are looking great? So big. And white. Oh, and he’s going to flash his six pack. And Cameron ends up in a bikini. Crazy.’

Assistant ‘Is there a script?’

Studio boss ‘Er, yeah, we’re working on it.’