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Guy Ritchie's 'Sherlock Holmes': casting call
With the news that Guy Ritchie is set to direct a 'Sherlock Holmes' film, Time Out offers its fantasy cast list
Sherlock Holmes (Jason Statham)
Jason Statham has quickly evolved from his marginal role as Mouthy Drunk #3 in Richie’s ‘Lock, Stock and Two Market Barrows’ into Britain’s premier, high-kicking slab of prime beefcake. With the news that Sir Guy plans to draw on Holmes’ interest in some of the more deadly arts (boxing, swordsmanship, inner-city bear baiting), Statham seems like the obvious choice to drag the industrious ratiocinator kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. Obviously, the final kiss-off where Holmes explains his findings in a single, fluid diatribe will have to be chopped up into a series of punchy taglines like, ‘It's my way or the highway’, ‘hurts, don’t it?’ and ‘he's a bastard, but he's still my father’.
Professor Moriarty (Will Ferrell)
Criminal
mastermind, underworld puppetmaster and freelance necromancer, the
Napoleon of Crime is a figure any actor would love to sink his teeth
into. Shadowy, mysterious and enigmatic, it is a part that Gary Oldman
was born to play at this stage in his career, but rumour has it that
Guy is taking the role in another direction. With a script that sees
Moriarty reimagined as a lisping drag queen who lives at the top
of the BT Tower and spends his afternoons strutting up and down Old
Compton Street protected by a phalanx of latex-clad Ukrainian
dominatrix minders, it is clear that Holmes will face a very new kind
of nemesis. Rupert Everett and Mark Strong’s interest has been rebuffed
in favour of number-one-choice Will Ferrell’s sidelong brand of wit and
sophistry.
Mrs Hudson (Madonna)
‘Oo, Mr ‘Olmes, you do look a froight…’ With her role unexpectedly expanded at the last minute for some unexplained reason, pie-faced cockernee sparrer and world battering discopop superspouse Madonna gets the chance to flex her unnerving granny-muscles once again as Holmes ever-reliable landlady Mrs Hudson. For once not just relegated to serving tea, buns and opium, this time it’s Hudson’s turn to shine, defending a smacked-out Holmes from Moriarty’s henchmen using all the weapons in her Victorian kitchen arsenal: the mangle scene is rumoured to be particularly disturbing. And of course such a renowned multitasker isn’t content with just acting: check out the film’s proposed radical euro-techno-music-hall-mashup soundtrack, the highlight of which has to be Madge’s ear-shredding rendition of 'Cockles and Mussels’, produced by Jacques LeCont.
Edgar Grymme, a Henchman (Vinnie Jones)
A monosyllabic, mentally challenged ape with a hulking frame and a bad attitude, it’s hard to see why Ritchie has chosen debonair Hollywood bon vivant Vinnie Jones to essay the role of Moriarty’s most feared henchman. Planning to spend his time on set re-reading Moliere and keeping the spirits of cast and crew high with a constant supply of witty bons mots and lashings of finest beluga, it's expected that Jones’s performance will prove something of a revelation, adding genuine sparkle and insight into his role as a cabbage-nosed, mouth-breathing, socially challenged, half-witted, semi-psychotic, inexplicably popular ex-football-playing thug.
Joey Marbles (Dexter Fletcher)
Having skilfully traversed the screen-acting gamut from a lead role in
Derek Jarman’s ‘Caravaggio’ to playing Spike in ‘Press Gang’,
lickspittle side-player extraordinaire Dexter Fletcher was inaugurated
into Guy Ritchie’s East End Ensemble back in 1998’s ‘Lock, Stock…’ as
knife fetishist and sous chef, Soap. In this proposed Holmes
reanimation, we see him playing a cheeky cockney boot black who
scuppers our hero’s investigation by siphoning information through to
the devious Moriarty. He is eventually caught in the act and – after a
thrilling chase around Duxford Air Museum (to a drum ‘n’ bass
soundtrack which samples Bow Bells) – falls to his death from a static Spitfire.
Inspector Lestrade (Harvey from So Solid Crew)
The usually clueless and almost always officious face of Scotland Yard, Lestrade routinely warns Holmes about getting in the way of his police investigations only to end up following the Great Detective around like a wide-eyed puppy. Ritchie mainstay Jason Flemyng could imagine himself in with a shout after his expertly mannered turn as bipolar deviant Dr Henry Jekyll in Steven Norrington’s rocket-powered slice of spurious Victoriana, ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’. One can also imagine any number of actors, from Steve Buscemi to Rowan Atkinson bringing something special and memorable to the role. That’s why it’s almost certain to be handed to Harvey from So Solid Crew or Jamie Redknapp.
Mycroft Holmes (Larry David)
Although his approach to casting can be most charitably said to be ‘scattershot’, even a blind squirrel finds the odd nut and the Mockney Maestro might have hit the nail on his head with his choice of actor to play Sherlock’s older, smarter brother. Bald, beaky and mostly unshaven, dyspeptic Jewish comedian Larry David not only possesses the natural belligerence to portray Jason Statham’s elder sibling, but resembles him to a fraternal degree. Early script reports suggest Mycroft will get into a pointless argument with a Baker Street butcher over the pronunciation of the word ‘sirloin’ and spend the bulk of the film grouching about the incident to a local tramp (Russell Crowe).
Doctor Watson (???)
With Mike Reid having sadly departed, we were stumped over who to cast as Holmes' bumbling sidekick. Let us know who you'd want to see in the role and why below.
Author: Adam Lee Davies, David Jenkins, Tom Huddleston
User comments on this story
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- dj said...
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Will he Help
One day in america it was the same old stuff for jay man and his crew but little did he know he would get caught up in an accident with the top dog from their rival crew from west side estate. It all started when they were both walking home but as just as they noticed eachother a car had clyded with a building they were walking past both men were stuck under the rubble of the building walls the rubble was far to heavy for just one man to lift as it would take at least two as both of them refused to help each other this could been the end of both of there lives as the police claimed if they had used any power tools the two mens lives would be in danger.
So after one day under the huge caved in wall the two men finaly came to agreament and both worked together to help save one anothers lives not long after the accident both men kept in touch and left there gangs and to this day they tell ther story and incurege people not to be tooken advantage of in a gang and do not enter gangs. Posted on Sep 23 2008 07:47 - Report as inappropriate
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- dj said...
-
Will he Help
One day in america it was the same old stuff for jay man and his crew but little did he know he would get caught up in an accident with the top dog from their rival crew from west side estate. It all started when they were both walking home but as just as they noticed eachother a car had clyded with a building they were walking past both men were stuck under the rubble of the building walls the rubble was far to heavy for just one man to lift as it would take at least two as both of them refused to help each other this could been the end of both of there lives as the police claimed if they had used any power tools the two mens lives would be in danger.
So after one day under the huge caved in wall the two men finaly came to agreament and both worked together to help save one anothers lives not long after the accident both men kept in touch and left there gangs and to this day they tell ther story and incurege people not to be tooken advantage of in a gang and do not enter gangs. Posted on Sep 23 2008 07:47 - Report as inappropriate
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- Dean G said...
- I think Terry Fowler from janet howe agencey should get the role of (Doctor Watson) Posted on Sep 06 2008 09:21
- Report as inappropriate
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- Dean G said...
- I think that terry fowler should get the role of (doctor watson) Posted on Sep 06 2008 09:17
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- dr mum said...
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Bill Bailey although not an actor would be a superb Dr Watson especially with the rest of this insoirational proposed cast.
I would genuinely love to see this movie if it ever gets made. Posted on Aug 17 2008 21:05 - Report as inappropriate
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- Nick Strutt said...
- Vinnie Jones an ex-football playing "thug"? It may interest fans of Victoriana to know that, in playing a pivotal role for Howard Wilkinson's promoted Leeds United side of 1989/90, Jones was only booked three times. The rest, as they say... Posted on Jun 13 2008 14:37
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- Stephanie Green said...
- Post-modern twist time - Ritchie should make Sherlock a woman masquerading as a man to overcome Victorian sexism - Parker Posey or Maggie Gylenhal. And of course She - rlock and Watson are lovers. PI's Don't Cry Posted on Jun 12 2008 21:57
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- Sam said...
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Holmes- Michael Caine
Watson- Bob Hoskins
Moriarity- Christian Bale Posted on Jun 10 2008 07:26 - Report as inappropriate
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- BrianM said...
- I would love to see Hugo Weaving as Morarity or Holmes. He would bring great gravity/menace to the role of the Napoleon of Crime. Triump the Insult Dog will be cast as the Hound of the Baskervilles. Posted on Jun 10 2008 06:42
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- Brian M. said...
- I always wanted to see Anthony Hopkins....if your familiar with the books, Hannibal Lecther is basically an evil Sherlock......his razor sharp powers of deduction he employs the first time he meets Clarice is reminiscenct of so many of the cases. After the Granda TV series, I really can't think of anybody else than the late, great Jeremy Brett. I would almost rather see an animated Sherlock type story to appeal to pre teens to get them into reading, crime solving, logical thinking, sciene, ect. Posted on Jun 10 2008 06:38
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- Jason said...
- I'm very concerned about Guy Ritchie helming this one. If he plays up the action with Jason Stathim, well I don't care if he did do Snatch and Lock, Stock, he will never redeem himself. Posted on Jun 10 2008 05:15
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- Tara said...
- If he's going drag queen for Moriarty my vote would be for EDDIE IZZARD! Posted on Jun 09 2008 23:26
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- bill said...
- DANIEL DAY LEWIS FOR SHERLOCK Posted on Jun 09 2008 23:18
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- john said...
- worst list ever Posted on Jun 09 2008 22:39
- Report as inappropriate
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- Eoban said...
- Hugh Laurie would be the perfect Holmes, with Robert Sean Leonard as his Watson. Posted on Jun 09 2008 17:59
- Report as inappropriate
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