Borat Q&A

Kazakhstan's most famous son speaks to journalists at the LFF.

Nov  3 2006

Last week I attended a deeply disturbing press conference featuring man of the moment Borat. Here is the full transcript of the Q&A.

Firstly, can you tell us about yourself?

My name Borat Sagdiyev, I son of Asimbala Sagdiyev and Boltok the Rapist and former husband of Oxana Sagdiyev, who was daughter of Mariam Tulyakbay and Boltok the Rapist. My hobbies disco dance, tables tennis and also taking photographs of ladies doing toilet, without their knowledge. Why not? They don't know. I have three childrens, Bilak, Biram and Hooeylewis who is 12. He has two childrens. Bilak, who is 13, have American penfriend called Mr Foley. My sister make my family very proud by being number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan and was recent receive award from Kazakh Minister of Industry for 'Best Sex in Mouth'. I also have brother name Bilo. He is retard with small head, but very strong arms. He have 204 teeth…201 in mouth, three in nose. My first wife is dead. High five! I did not kill her. She was shoot by a hunter who mistake her for a bear, because she have much hair on her arms and back. It no problem, I have new wife.

You traveled to Washington recently, to meet with President Bush. What is your opinion of him?

We in Kazakhstan very much admires mighty warlord George Walter Bush. He is a very wise and strong man – but perhaps not as powerful as his father, Barbara.

After seeing your film what do you think outsiders will think of your country of Kazakhstan?

That it is modern, civilized nation, where all people are treat well, even the 'strange ones'. Last April we open the Almaty Disability Centre for them – it have over 300 cages for the retards to live in, and public viewing gallery where for 10 tenge you can look on them and for 20, you can throw potatoes. Why not! They like! Kazakhstan is also now very advance in technology, especially in the space races. It our plan by 2010 to put a horse into orbit. So far the elastic band on the catapult has manage to propel the horse to a height of 300 feet. Unfortunately the horse landed on a school. No problem… It was a school for Jews…Great success. 47 crushed. They break fall of horse. He was given medal and a cheque.

Have you made contact with Pamela Anderson since the film?

Yes, but only because she now stalking me! I think she is obsessed. Already today she have sent three love message through her lawyer – saying sexy things like I must not go closer than 30 mile from her house, mail her my pants or make a dirt from small hole and use it to write 'Borat' on her car. Pamela! Leave me alones!

Were there any specific movies that inspired your film? What movies do you admire?

In Kazakhstan we are huge fannies of US and A moviefilms and have shown this by manufacturing pirate DVDs of many of them. We likes movies of funnyman Edward Murphy. We in Kazakhstan laugh very much when we see his chocolate face – it is unusual! Other America films that we like are 'Robot cop', 'Titanic' and sex comedy 'The Accused'.

What are your future projects?

I not sure exact when I will next make a movies, because for next 18 months my country's camera is fully booked for make other television programmes. Once I have camera, using my experience in Hollywoods, I producing some new moviefilms - 'Dirty Jew', 'Dirty Jew 2', 'Attack of the Jew Claw', 'Jew Plague', 'Jew Plague 2', 'Help, there is a Jew in my Kitchen' and 'Where is my money, I think it was the Jews that take it'. I hoping that Mel Gibsons will come and direct some of these film.

You went to America to see what lessons the Kazaks could gain from America but now, having been there, what lessons does he feel the Americans could learn from the glorious nation of Kazakstan?'

My glorious leader, Nursultan Nazarbayev, recent visited mighty Premier George Walter Bush to promote my moviefilm. But he also taught the President many important lessons about strong leadership, examples how to crush glass with your hand and how to suspend a car battery from the testes satchel. Premier Nazarbayev can do this for 8.6 seconds!

You've spoken in the past about the delights of drinking horse urine and wrestling men. Have you considered visiting Scotland where we can offer you the superior pleasures of whisky and watching football?

I have, although In Kaz we play Shurek – shoot dogs, dig a big hole and have a party.

You were treated like a hero by your countrymen while filming. How did the film go down in Kazakhstanian cinema?

At first my government was worry about the level of anti-semitism in my moviefilm. But eventual the Kazakhs censor have decide there was just enough – and permit it release – although it have a strict certificate that mean it cannot be seen by any person under the age of three. It was simultaneous released on all three of Kazakhstan cinema screens and was great success!

Would you go out with a British girl?

I very much like to meet the Welsh prostitute Charlotte. She have voice of an angel… and vagine of horse… I like!

How do you like to relax?

You know I try to stay a normal persons. I like relax like any other ordinary man – I shoot dogs, I receive mouth party from my sister and drink fermented horse urine with the boys. I just regular guy!

The ambassador of Kazakhstan in the United Kingdom says that you are taking advantage of people's ignorance of Kazakhstan, What is your comment on that?

Reports that Kazakhstan is unhappy with me is actually lying propaganda from evil nitwits, Uzbekistan – who as everyone knows is very nosey people with a bone in the middle of their brains. My glorious leader, Premier Nazarbayev is, in fact, very proud of my film and recently travelled to Washingtons DC to promote it. If there is one more item of Uzbeki propaganda claiming that we do not drink fermented horse urine, give death penalty for cleaning anoos with Kazakh flag, or export over 300 tons of human pubis per year, then we will not hesitate to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapults.

During your cultural learning of America, what has surprised you the most? Is there anything you would like to bring back to your home country?

I was very surprise to see that women in US and A can drive cars. This dangerous! We say in Kazakhstan that to let a woman drive a car is like to let a monkey fly a plane. We have not allow monkey to do this since the 2003 Astana air crash.

The main chain of Kazkh cinemas Otau officially announced they will not screen your movie. Still, in an interview with Entertainment Weekly you said it was already a huge success there. Who is not close friends with the truth?

My moviefilm have, in fact, already open in Kazakhstan, where it was blockbustering! It take top spot from Hollywood movie 'King Kong', which had been number one film in Kazakhstan ever since it was released there in 1933.

In what ways has making this movie changed your opinion about America?

My experiences have make me liking America very much. I a huge huge fanny of the singer Madonna. It a credit to US and A that a transvestite can be so popular. In my country he would be in the circus. My 11-year-old son Bilak is currently travelling here on foot with his wife and new baby who he is hope to sell to this Madonna. He have already paint it black.

Would you encourage tourists to visit Kazakhstan - and why?

I would very much encourage visitings to Kazakhstan – it nice place and civilised as any other country. If you have family, you can stay at new resort, 'Astana Funworld' – where there is luxury cages for the wifes, unlimited buffet of Turkmenistani prostitutes for the husbands and an enclosure where childrens can shoot squirrel, dog and gypsy.

What do you think of the current situation in North Korea and the country's standoff with the United States?

We in Kazakhstan is too busy worrying about threat from neighbour Uzbekistan. We is very concern about weapons of mass destructions – it is rumoured that within 10 years they will have technology to build their own crossbows.

What was the most important thing you learned in the US?

I was very surprise to learn that it is now ILLEGAL to shoot at Red Indians. Once again I would like apologise with all my heart to the staff of the Potawatomi Reservation in Nevada. How was I to know? There were no signs.

In the movie you introduce your family and your wife to the viewers. How would you describe a good wife?

Good wife must be strong enough to pull plough and also have very erotic physique. I like very much tit that make a long dangle. Current Miss Kazakhstan have a pair that hangs 1.34 metre to 1.54 if you include milk valve. My first wife was boring. She was not worth the 15 gallon of insecticide I pay for her.

What do you think about Sacha Baron Cohen yourself?

As I have say before, I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and I fully support my govt's decision to sue this Jew.

Do you think your movie could do for the worldwide knowledge and appreciation of Kazakhstan what Baywatch has done for America?

I hope so. Kazakhstan now ready to join global community - especial since the Tulyakev Reforms of 2003, which mean women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats, and age of consent have been raised to 11-year-old.

Would you like to win a prize for journalism?

I am hope to win Oscar for 'Best Anti Jew Warrior'. I will put next to the medal I receive at 2002 Central Asian Olympics for hitting a gypsy with a potato from 50 metres. It was difficult – he was unchained.

What was your best experience in US?

I like very much their delicious foods. First day there, I go to a restaurant name McDonalds which is so fancypants, it actual have a separate room for make toilet in. There I eat 17 delicious hamboorgers and 600 packets of red soup‚ ketchups. Next day my anoos was hang loose like mouth of tired dog.

Where can I get a suit like that?

It come from Almaty's new capitalist supermall, 'Viktor Hotelier's Shopcity' – both shops there sells them. This amazing place have two floors joined by Central Asia's first electrical staircase – which did NOT swallow and grind those two gypsy children. This another example of Uzbek propaganda.

What's your advice for someone who wants to be the new Borat?

Get good education. I receive degree from Astana University in English and plague research – I create three new ones! One was released on Uzbekistan and kill five millions goat. To be good journalist, it also important to have experience of other more normal jobs. I have previous work as icemaker and gypsycatcher and was also do computer maintenance - I the one who would paint the outsides and remove dead birds from their pipes. Before that I was extractor of spermatazoa from animals. I the best in Almaty!

'Borat' is released today. To read Time Out Almaty's response to the film, click here.

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