Homer reviews 'The Simpsons Movie'

Read what Homer J has to say about Raisinets, pigs and his own movie

When they asked me to review this new movie called ‘The Simpsons Movie’ I asked if they were TV Guide because that’s the only magazine I read, and they said they weren’t TV Guide but that I could write anything I want so long as it was about 'The Simpsons Movie'. It was lucky they asked me because ‘The Simpsons Movie’ was a film I had seen, unlike some of the other new movies like ‘The Robot That Became a Robot’ and that other one where a man turns into a spider. These big summer ‘blockbusters’ have no imagination. I mean, why has it always got to be Spider-Man and Bat-Man? It’s always a man. What about Spider-Pig? Now that would be a movie. ‘Spider-Pig, Spider- Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig does.’ Mmm…pig.

Anyhoo, I went to see ‘The Simpsons Movie’ because Bart and Lisa came running into the room and said there was a movie where the characters all have the same names as the people in our family, except it was all in cartoon. I didn’t really want to go because it was time for the light snack I usually have between breakfast and brunch, but anyway we were out of waffles and baloney so I had to make do with half a pound of bacon. Boy, was my tummy going to be rumbling in that movie. But the boy wouldn’t shut up, so we drove out to the Springfield Googolplex.

The first thing I could tell you about this movie is they were sold out of Raisinets – mmm… Raisinets -- so I had to go for Red Vines. Why don’t they ever sell donuts in movie theatres? I wouldn’t mind so much, but they hate when you take your own. ‘Cos then some busy body behind you says the boxes are piled too high and they can’t see! That’s why I had to stop wearing my nacho hat at the movies, too. They kill all your fun. So then we watched ‘The Simpsons Movie’, which was Really Weird. It was like watching my family in a movie. The only problem was, every time the character called Homer J Simpson did something, everybody in the theater fell about laughing. Even Bart and Lisa! And I didn’t think it was funny, ‘cos the guy in the movie was just like me, and it was one of those films where I could really identify with the main character, and not just because he had the same name as me, Homer J Simp—uh, I mean, ‘anonymous’. So I decided to go and get some popcorn from the concession stand.

I noticed they had filled up the butter dispenser, and as we all know, doctors have been telling us for years to drink eight glasses of butter a day, so I asked them how much was the butter and they said it was free! So I filled a popcorn tub with butter and was on my way back to my seat and then they got the manager and he told me I had to buy the popcorn if I wanted the butter and I told him that the other guy said the butter was free but he said only if you bought popcorn and I said what kind of a scam were they running here anyway? And that’s when they got security and then I had to wait in the parking lot for Marge and the kids and listen to soft rock on the car radio. And then everyone came out of the movie and said it was one of the best movies they’d ever seen, and talked about how dumb the big fat dumb Homer Simpson was, and how many dumb things he did in the movie, because he was so dumb. And then I got mad and said ‘If you love ‘The Simpsons Movie’ so much, why don’t you marry it?’ and I sulked all the way home. I think I’m gonna see my lawyer, Lionel Hutz, and see if these Hollywood big shots are allowed to make a movie about my family without asking me. Although come to think of it, maybe they did ask me. I remember signing something, and now I think about it maybe it did say something about them making a movie based on me and my family. Now everyone’s gonna laugh at me, all summer long. And I bet it’s going to be a really big movie and everyone’s gonna see it and everyone’s gonna be saying ‘There goes dumb old Homer Simpson from 'The Simpsons Movie'. Great. Thanks a lot, Fox!

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