1. The Suck-up
So achingly polite it’s fake, the Suck-up is motivated by commission and will say and do anything to get a sale, including saying you look good in that dress even though it makes you look like a bulging potato sack.
2. The Clueless
Ambling along store aisles, the Clueless doesn’t know anything about the product. Oftentimes, they lie and make up facts in the hope that you don’t know anything either. They will also nod along to your questioning statements, and you may never find out whether that cardigan is 100 percent cashmere or not.
3. The Too Good to be True
The Too Good to be True is knowledgeable, helpful and blessed with common sense. It knows when you need help and when you want to be left alone. Before you know it, you’ll be handing over your credit card willingly. To elevate the pleasant experience, it even throws in free samples! This species is going places, mark our words.
4. The Once-over
The Once-over seems out to sabotage its parent company. Identically well-dressed, these snooty types give you the chillingly uniform up and down stare the moment your filthy flipflops cross the threshold of their luxurious cave. What, wear shorts cannot buy LV ah?
5. The Greeter
The Greeter is a chirpy little thing. Hopping around in flocks, your mere appearance in the store brings about a chorus of ‘Welcome to ______!’ Once is fine, but when Greeters repeat the greeting every time you bump into one, it can get slightly unnerving. We still prefer the Greeter over the frosty Once-overs any day though.
6. The OCD
The OCD may be better off in another habitat that requires its painful attention to detail. Similar to the Tailgater, the OCD attaches itself to you like a remora to a shark. The moment you touch an item, the OCD will then rush forward to rearrange it half a centimetre to the left.
7. The Tailgater
The Tailgater latches on to you the moment you enter the store. Not taking ‘no’ for an answer, it follows you around until you give up and buy something or leave the store in a hurry. Subspecies of the Tailgater include one who follows you spy-like, as if you could not sense its smothering presence.
8. The Invisible Man
The Invisible Man may or may not be in the store. Anybody home? Its lair is a seemingly-empty shop, but this is either a master of disguise, popping up unannounced from behind the register (where they are probably dozing), or one who may have left the shop unattended altogether.