Alternative Nightlife

Cards on the table: I wouldn't usually recommend that anyone go to the Shepherd's Bush Walkabout . Strokes for folks (am not up myself before you even start having a go, Nigel), the level of Australian-themed boozing achieved nightly there is just not the bag of this lil' Darwin-born expat (my brother was a massive, massive fan, though).

More fool me: it's home to the extremely ace-sounding Bogan Bingo . Swot note: a bogan is an Aussie who makes a chav look classy. Usually called Darren or Sharon (as if: try Dazza or Shazza), they rock saggy-arsed skinny black jeans, T-shirts with the sleeves torn off or wife-beater singlets, flannel shirts, mullets, utes, the Chisel and Accadacca, and put sweet chilli sauce in Philly cheese for a classy dip. In short: they roooool.

Money raised will go to the Merlin Charity , 'one of the few organisations providing aid in the cyclone disaster areas of Burma'. Prizes? Shit loads, mate. An all-inclusive six day tour to Egypt, cash, bar tabs… Look out for the air guitar comps, shocking haircuts, appalling jeans.

Up to speed? So Bogan Bingo is putting on Balls Out For Burma on Monday 9 June at, yes, the Shepherd's Bush Walkabout. Eyes down 7.30pm.