The Big Smoke

Use a Segway London would presumably have been the first place in the UK to adopt the bizarre upright human transporter (remember the craze for mini-scooters), but it wasn’t to be. The Department for Transport stepped in last year, bizarrely invoking the Highway Act of 1835 to stop people using them on the pavement, and EU legislation to bar them from the roads. France, Spain and most US states allow it on the pavement; Austria and Holland keep it to cycle lanes; and in Italy (unsurprisingly) you can use it wherever you want. Perhaps it’s for the best that the contraption is banned here – pub car parks would be hell come closing time. Feature continues

Hail a cab while it is in motion The cab driver is supposed to ask each of his passengers whether they are suffering from any ‘notifiable disease such as smallpox and the plague’. A driver is allowed to urinate in public, as long as it is on the rear wheel of the vehicle with his right hand placed on it (the cab, that is).

Carry a corpse in a taxi It’s still illegal for a cabby to transport one. Ditto rabid dogs (so that’s Saturday night ruined).

Sail into London without giving out rum There is still a law that requires the commanding officer of a Royal Navy ship to hand over a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London when entering the Port of London. Unfortunately, it’s not enforced (the Met has better things to do), and is instead marked by an annual ceremonial handing-over of the rum. The constable is also entitled to revenue from any horses, oxen, pigs or sheep that fall off London Bridge, and he can take 6s 8d from the owners of all boats fishing for sprat between the Tower and the sea, a shilling a year from all ships carrying herring to London and 2d from each pilgrim who comes to London by sea to worship at the shrine of St James.

Take cows anywhere It’s illegal to drive or conduct cattle through any street between 10am and 7pm (excluding with the consent of the Commissioner of Police). The penalty is a £200 fine.

Beat or shake a rug in any street in the Metropolitan Police District Though you can shake a doormat before 8am.

Enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour Try getting that past the metal detectors.

Die in Parliament Nobody who shuffles off the mortal coil is technically allowed to receive a death certificate in the Houses of Parliament, because it is a Royal Palace, and anyone dying in such a building is eligible for a state funeral.

Shag in Epping Forest In February, the Corporation of London used Epping Forest by-laws to prosecute a husband and wife after they were caught having sex in a car among the trees last October, at 3.30pm on a Monday afternoon. Self-employed minicab driver Ozgur Altun and his wife Zeynup Arsland were ordered to pay £580 in fines and costs by Harlow magistrates.

Be drunk in a pub It’s also illegal to serve somebody who’s drunk, or buy a drink for somebody who is drunk. Let’s face it, we’re all criminals.

Own an American pitbull You can, however, own a Tasmanian devil, lion, tiger, bear, rhino, death adder, cobra, black widow spider or elephant – provided you apply for a licence and satisfy the specifications of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976 about keeping it in good health. Check www.defra.gov.uk for details, and stick to goldfish in the meantime.