The Big Smoke

Customer service testing London's shops

London's biggest rip offs

Unforgivable disabled access
The culprit KoKo, 1a Camden High St, NW1.
With no information, save for the enquiries number, about access on their website, it’s no surprise once you arrive here that the only way around this labyrinthine venue is via its many flights of stairs. Wheelchair users must arrange – in advance – to be carried up to a balcony box.
For details on access, visit www.artsline.org.uk

Fast-food-free bar
The culprit Riverside Studios, Crisp Rd, W6.
You’ve rushed from work to see a play at the Riverside Studios, hoping to grab a bite beforehand. Forget it. The people who run the bar and restaurant seem more interested in those few who come just to eat; everything is prepared to order, which means there’s no fast food beyond nuts. We’ve arrived 45 minutes before a show and still managed not to get so much as a sandwich.
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Disgusting loos
The culprit On The Rocks, 25 Kingsland Rd, E2.
Have these bogs ever seen a mop? On our many visits we’ve found them locked up, leaking, flooded, graffitied on and putrid – our advice is to hold it in until you leave. And we’re not allowing the fact that this is a late-night music venue to be an excuse; compare these to the unisex loos at Fabric. Not only are those sparkly clean, but you can suss out potential arm candy in the queue, give them a wink over the communal sinks, and have your mitts rapidly free of dampness for any fondling later thanks to the Dyson air-blade hand dryers.

Worst excuse for a smoking area
The culprits The Forum, 9-17 Highgate Rd, NW5; Koko, 1a Camden High St, NW1; The End, 18 West Central St, W1.
Many London clubs have a miniscule smoking area where clubbers try desperately to ‘smirt’ while getting elbowed by others lighting up, but these take the biscuit. We recommend you bring a helmet and knee pads for the crushed-in moshpits that ensue at the Forum and the End as punters push, shove and punch their way through a tiny opening to the outside cattle-pen-like fenced-off area. Expect to queue for a long time. And at Koko, don’t think you can hang around and have a natter with your fag; punters are told they have a maximum of seven minutes (you’d better pre-roll in the toilet queue!) and there’s no smoking after 2am, leaving another two hours until most club nights finish. Absurd.

Awful sound system
The culprit Bar Music Hall, Curtain Rd, EC2.
The nights put on here may beckon you with their arty messiness and vodka-lubed music, but the best you’ll get out of Bar Music Hall’s battered sound system is a barrage of feedback or – worse still – it just won’t work.

Pushy ushers
The culprit Shakespeare’s Globe, 21 New Globe Walk, Bankside, SE19.
We know they have their orders, but do the elderly ushers at Shakespeare’s Globe need to be quite so officious? The Bard’s plays aren’t short; it’s a long time to stand, but woe betide any groundling who tries to squat on the floor, sit on the steps, or seek shelter from the rain beneath the roof where those who paid for seats are sitting snugly. Nobody escapes when these grey-haired enforcers are on the prowl.

Ludicrously overpriced nuts
The culprit Piccadilly Theatre, Denman St, W1.
You’ve already forked out £40 to see your reality TV heroes warble on the West End stage, then you get charged £2.60 for a 60g bag of pistachios (that’s a quid just for the shells). Come to that, boo to those theatres – too many to specify – that only serve 250ml glasses of wine at exorbitant prices. We’re quite happy for others to knock back vast glasses in 15 minutes flat – but we’d prefer the option of a smaller and cheaper measure, for a more civilised interval tipple.

Expect to be hot and bothered at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane

Family-unfriendly pubs
The culprits All Bar One, 36-38 Dean St, W1; Spice of Life, Cambridge Circus, W1.
A pleasant summer Sunday introducing junior to the joys of loud guitar music at the recent Tin Pan Alley festival was summarily spoiled by soggy weather and the attitude of these two Soho pubs. If you thought that the smoking ban would lead to London’s boozers becoming more family-friendly, then think again. Both – despite being almost empty – turned away Time Out’s pushchair at the door, meaning we had to feed our baby in Soho Square in the drizzle (and deprive them of at least £30 of Sunday lunchtime custom). Does any other European capital treat families like this?

Astronomical charges for cancelling
The culprits Various.
Of course we’ve got no time for people who book restaurant tables then never turn up, but some of the biggest names in town appear to have had a shocking overreaction. At Gordon Ramsay’s Royal Hospital Road establishment they charge £150 per person (groups or individual bookings) if you cancel without giving 48 hours’ notice. The next worst offender is Le Gavroche, where they charge £60 per person for groups of six or more if you don’t give 48 hours’ notice. There’s no charge for groups of less than six. The Ritz charges £50 per person for cancelled group bookings if less than 48 hours’ notice is given. Fifteen charges £20 per person if you cancel with less than 24 hours’ notice. Yet The Ivy – despite its exclusive reputation – has no cancellation charge at all.

The customer is rarely right at this notting Hill record shop

Qualifications
Most chains and major independent gyms only employ staff who meet Register of Exercise Professionals (REP) standards. You can check the status of an instructor at www.exerciseregister.org.

Paperwork
Although the Register is open to advanced yoga and pilates instructors, only a small proportion of all such teachers are members. Likewise, martial arts instructors and sports coaches. It’s vital, then, to ask: what qualifications they have; whether you can see their certificates; how long they’ve been teaching; how much follow-up education they’ve undertaken; and whether you can see proof of insurance cover, a first-aid certificate and references.

If in doubt, leave
If an instructor is evasive on any of these issues, look elsewhere.