Books & Poetry

1. Paul Weller and the bonfire
Some time in the mid-’90s, the Gallaghers hold a Bonfire Night party at Supernova Heights to which they invite Paul Weller. Many sausages are consumed, and much wine, and at around 1am the party starts to wind down as guests drift off. But Weller’s enthusiasm for strumming his guitar by the fire is undimmed. At around 3am, though, Noel decides to call it a night. Half an hour later, he is woken by the crackle of logs and the sound of rhythmic chanting. He opens his curtains, looks out and sees Weller dancing round the newly rekindled bonfire, bare-chested, waving his shirt and chanting ‘Well-er! Well-er! Well-er!’ Noel opens the window and shouts: ‘Go to bed, you silly old man!’

Jon Holmes: ‘Weller comes across as such a miserable git in interviews that the idea of him having a moment of primal joy, running round a bonfire semi-naked, is strangely uplifting.’
Feature continues

2. Bob Dylan in Crouch End
En route to Dave Stewart’s house in Crouch End, Bob Dylan knocks on what he thinks is the right door and asks if Dave Stewart is in. ‘Yes,’ says the lady who answers, ‘come in, he’ll be back in a minute.’ Dylan accepts her offer of a cup of tea and sits down on the sofa. The pair chat amicably for some time, presumably not about what a silly voice Dylan uses when he sings live these days. Eventually, Dave Stewart returns – except he’s not Dave Stewart the Eurythmics pop boffin but Dave Stewart the plumber who lives on the next street.

Jon Holmes: ‘There are various versions of this. There’s this one, then there’s another where he’s supposedly house-hunting in the area and turns up with an estate agent. I prefer this one.’

3. Justine Frischmann naked at the window
It’s 1995 and Blur are riding a Britpop high. One night, Damon Albarn is walking home to the Kensington flat he shares with his girlfriend Justine Frischmann when he sees a gaggle of teenage boys standing outside looking up at the window. Assuming they’re Blur fans desperate for a glimpse of their hero, he pulls his hat down and collar up and wanders over to join them – incognito. ‘So,’ he says, ‘this is that bloke from Blur’s house, isn’t it?’ ‘Dunno,’ comes the reply. ‘We come down here cos the bird who lives here gets undressed in front of the window every night. She doesn’t realise the curtains are transparent. You can see her muff and everything.’

Jon Holmes: ‘This may be one where an existing urban myth sort of acquired a celebrity dimension. I remember a rumour going round when I was at school about a local woman who got undressed in front of her curtains. I may even have gone along to have a look, I can’t quite remember. Er…’

4. Omar Sharif punches Ian Dury
Scene: a London casino in west London. Dramatis personae: actor and bridge (the game) expert Omar Sharif and polio-ravaged punk poet Ian Dury. Dury nods at Sharif in respectful acknowledgement – but his timing is fatally awry. Sharif is placing a bet, and dislikes being disturbed at gaming tables.He leaps up in anger and the pair fall to the ground in a punching fury. The Blockheads’ drummer attempts to break up the fight with the heart-rending cry: ‘Leave it, Omar, he’s a raspberry.’ (Raspberry ripple = cripple.)

Jon Holmes: ‘Sharif has a bit of a history of violence. He allegedly hit a fellow actor with a table lamp in India in 2004 and was convicted, fined and received a suspended sentence for headbutting a policeman in a casino in Paris in 2003.’

5. Pete Townshend’s funny pictures
The Richmond-dwelling Who guitarist was being interviewed for a special feature in a top music magazine when the subject of how the piece would be illustrated came up. ‘Look,’ said Townshend, ‘I’ve got this box of old photos of the band. You’re welcome to take them and browse through them and use anything you want.’ The journalist couldn’t believe his luck. But when the mag’s picture editors settled down to look through this treasure trove, they were unsettled to find a 12'x8' contact sheet containing ten or 12 black-and-white frames of a naked man bending over, shot from behind, with his scrotum hanging down like a big skin pendulum. In between the man’s legs was a cat standing on its hind legs, playfully batting the ballsack back and forth.

Jon Holmes: ‘This one is almost certainly true. I heard it from the guys at the mag involved. Obviously there’s no suggestion that the man in question is Pete Townshend, or even that the cat was his. It might just have been from the photographer’s previous session and have nothing to do with Townshend. It’s pretty funny, though, whoever was responsible.’

‘Status Quo and the Kangaroo and Other Rock Apocryphals’ is published by Michael Joseph at £12.99.

johnoconnell@timeout.com