Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion

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Bourgeois and Maurice, caustic cabaret duo and Bistrotheque bitches-in-residence, give us their withering take on the state of fashion in the capital in 2009

  • Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion

    © The Two

  • What celebrities will be wearing

    Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion © The Two

    Maurice ‘Let’s get something straight. Fame can be stumbled into. Celebrity is a career. It is probably one of the finest careers a young person can have these days and it is being ruined by the little people. So, if you’re not a celeb you shouldn’t really be reading this bit.’
    Georgeois Bourgeois ‘Come and listen to our song "Celebrity" as an introduction to the subject. It explains the whole shebang.’
    M
    ‘Fashion for celebs this season will be much the same as for the rest of us, only they’ll be getting their pieces a few months before us, for free and they won’t be high-street rip-off versions.'
    GB ‘Girls: money is on everyone’s mind right now, so remember, if you’re currently on TV but aiming for Hollywood, luxury wins. Wear fur, pearls and diamonds, have a Champagne flute skin-grafted to your hand and handcuff yourself to one of the princes – the people want glamour and you owe it to them to have it.’
    M ‘Boys: you can pretty much wear what the gays wear right now (see below) because you’ll end up copying them in a year or so anyway. Gay boys: well done. You look lovely. Maybe spend a little less time on the sunbed next time, though.’

    Gay looks for 2009

    Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion © The Two

    GB ‘Here’s a little-known fact: gay men have sex. Sometimes in gay-friendly documentary-type dramas such as “Sex and the City” and “Will & Grace” they are depicted as asexual comedy-gold jokers who really only want to show a gal how to have a good time. But in actual fact, they regularly enjoy a cornucopia of sexual activities and because they’re all successful, handsome, well-adjusted so and sos, they have made a special filing system in order to remember who, exactly, they are. Bear? Twink? Cub? Otter? Prep? Scally? The list goes on and on. But don’t worry, gay-lovers, fashion is on hand to help out. A lumberjack-inspired checked shirt for the “straight-acting”, or a Topman distressed size-too-small T-shirt for the twink…’
    M
    ‘I’m not sure I like your tone here, Bourgeois.’
    GB ‘Get over it. Frosted tips went out a while ago, lads, but…’
    M ‘I think it’s a little isolating for the male, non-gay readers. Not to mention offensive to any poofs reading this.’
    GB ‘Just because you abandoned your homies to live as a girl, don’t start on me.’
    M ‘The Time Out letters page will be flooded with messages of hate from angry Londoners and no one will come to our show.’
    GB ‘Oh. That would be terrible. Sorry everyone. No offence. We love you.’
    M
    ‘Lots.’

    Credit crunch power-dressing

    Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion © The Two

    M ‘Weak is the office worker who fails to dress with ambition. As a professional bitch, I speak from experience. Office-wear this season is about big.’
    GB ‘Oh, please. Power dressing is a ludicrous ’80s concept created solely for stupid people.’
    M ‘Not at all, Bourgeois. Office-wear trends for autumn/winter 2009 are more out-there than ever. Out are the neutral, complying colours and in are the desperately extroverted attempts to be noticed and remain integral to the "team". Bourgeois has an all-in-one pink neon polka-dot catsuit (really, he does), which we think will become an almost staple item in the corridors of the Square Mile. That and leather gimp suits.’
    GB ‘You can also brighten things up with an accent of photocopier toner on the eyes (cyan and magenta work well) and consider stapling technical equipment to your face – it pinches but looks fabulous, and Agyness Deyn was seen in Ryman buying refills recently so this look is sure to be a hit this season.’

    Art student attire

    Bourgeois and Maurice's guide to fashion © The Two

    M ‘A strong trend we’ve seen of late among art students is the neo-make-do-and-mend. But as City workers fall off the employment ladder and the economy melts the synthetic foundations of the world, we may see a change in students’ attire.’
    GB ‘That’s right: customised Primark will be all anyone can afford, so we predict a change in tack from those ahead of the fashion game. This year will see creative kids in fitted trouser suits, muted colours, tailored shirts and anything to stand out from the unemployed.’
    M
    ‘Art is also about self-expression, so it’s a good idea to write a short note about who you are, what you want from life, your grandad’s name if he was going to be born a girl and maybe a rude word, then pin it to your clothes in an artistic fashion.’
    GB ‘A jaunty angle could help if you want to appear to have a sense of humour.’

    For more fashion advice, Bourgeois and Maurice's 'Social Work' will be at the Soho Theatre Mar 2-7, with Maurice on piano and Bourgeois on vox.

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