It's a martini glass she dances in, silly..... You wouldn't be able to move standing in a champagne flute
Throw a cabaret party at home
Overdraft blasted by Christmas and New Year‘s Eve? Get your Social Club fix without leaving your flat
Nipple tassles are expensive. Use those two badminton shuttlecocks that have been in the back of the cupboard since 1987.
Dress your animals and pretend they are circus freaks. ‘The incredible furry woman with a tail’ or ‘the man who looks like a tortoise’ (which of course is just a tortoise with a very small jumper on). There is nothing funnier than animals dressed like little people. Always do it responsibly though and avoid colours that clash with their eyes. That drives them mental.
You’re still allowed to smoke in your own home. Take full advantage and turn it into a smoke-filled speakeasy. Flipside? You’ll vom at the smell in the morning.
Contortion hurts like hell but is an effective way of wowing your audience into slack-mouthed submission when they’re fiddling with the remote control. Be like famous contortionist Captain Frodo and get your body through a couple of tennis rackets. Taking the strings off is optional.
Aerial acrobatics are impressive. String up a tyre to your light fitting and make like you’re four. It’s art when you’re naked save for a pair of nipple tassels.
For a spoken-word night, put the Teletext subtitles on a Jane Austen adaptation and read them out. Even better, put them on during something live, like the news: the mistakes will make it all the more surreal. If you want to give it that ‘open mic’ twist, give the remote to someone and get them to change channels randomly.
Thanks to the Hackney Puppets, the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppet Theatre and the work of VauxhallVille’s Nathaniel de Ville, puppets are really hot right now. Gather up your odd socks, stick a hand in one, stick the cut-out celebrity heads (from the nose up) from TV guides to the side of your hand and do that ‘talking mouth’ thing with your thumb. Voilà: alternative cabaret.
Fill your bath with leftover lager and pretend you’re doing Dita Von Teese’s burlesque routine with a giant champagne glass. Works best if you’re a fat bloke, obviously.
Mine your childhood: get dressed in your mother’s worst polyester frock, tallest heels and mime into a hairbrush. You’re a drag queen.
Stick bits of fluff on your face and a couple of rubber gloves to your head. Hey presto, you’re an alternative drag queen.
Instead of using sheets to make a child’s cubby, hang them from your light and you’ve got a Bedouin performance tent. For extra atmosphere, make a drum out of a microwaveable plastic bowl with some dried peas in it.
It takes two to tango… and also to dress in coordinating tight pieces of Lycra and be an interpretive dance troupe à la Duotard. If you must have narrative, crank Tom Jones’ ‘Delilah’ up to maximum. Impress your audience – if you’ve got any, and yes, your cat counts – by finishing with a handful of sparkles thrown in the air.
If other people are in your flat, it’s performance art. If you’re on your own, it’s more like a dissociative psychotic episode, although it’s usually hard to tell the difference.
If all else fails, remember nothing is funnier than someone falling over and getting hit in the groin by a small child. Find inventive ways to do both and you’ll have spectators rolling in the aisles.
Tim, Simone and Eddy will be performing in their own flats throughout January.
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