Clubs

The crafting juggernaut powers on – this Saturday will be the UK's first Stitch 'n' Bitch Day, a fair full of knitting marvels, stalls and classes. Out in the craftless cold for long enough, I decide to gatecrash an I Knit London knitting session.

Lesson one: Stay calm
Watching my friend and knitter-extraordinaire Gillian Hutchison whirl wool around her fingers and the needles, I nearly give up there and then. 'Just think of it as making knots with sticks,' she says, eyeing me eyeing the door.
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Lesson two: Get a technique
Hutchison knits a couple of rows, and then I have a go. Reciting Run DMC lyrics helps: 'Round the back, through the hoop and you scream touchdown, you'll be knitting, knitting, knitting, knit, knit…' Jam Master Jay turns in his grave.

Craig Carruthers with Simone Baird

Lesson three: Pick a bright colour
My black wool proves hard to see in the pub. While it's important to pick a project you're going to enjoy, be realistic – the first few hours will be spent simply learning to make stitches.

Lesson four: Make a scarf
'Scarves are popular,' says Craig Carruthers of Vauxhall's I Knit London shop 'because they're easy. And hats. People like making beanies.' 'Socks are huge right now,' adds his partner, Gerrard Allt, 'because of sock yarn, the colours and space dyes are wonderful. Self-patterned yarns can come out stripy.' Allt is working on a mustard-yellow pair of socks which, selfishly, he says he's keeping and not giving to me.

Lesson five: American knitting mags are cool, British ones aren't
Stateside, Vogue prints Knit 1, aimed squarely at the young crowd. The front cover of a recent issue has a girl in a khaki knitted balaclava and space-age safety glasses with freaky make-up. Most UK magazines seem to feature a gran and her dog caravanning in the Highlands.

Lesson six: Relaxing? Hardly
Concentrate. Lose concentration and you drop a stitch. Then the whole thing falls apart. It doesn't get easier, either. Expert knitter Alix spends the evening knitting a lace shawl. 'Knitting lace isn't at all restful. I feel myself holding my breath, desperate in case it goes wrong.'

Lesson seven: It's mechanical
'Men get knitting,' says Hutchison. 'It's a mechanical thing to do.' A drinker wobbles over and tells us about a long-lost aunt who, apparently, was a genius with needles. 'That happens a lot,' smiles an eternally patient Allt.

Lesson eight: Alcohol + knitting = a mess
It's not a craft that gets better with drinking. An (admittedly large) glass of red wine into the evening, and I think I'm really getting it. Or not, as Hutchison points out: 'Now you're just freestyle purling, Simone.' Carruthers laughs. 'Knitting gets messy at the pub,' he says.

Lesson nine: Knitting takes ages
The Industrial Revolution happened for a reason. Allt reckons it would take him five hours to knit a pair of socks, and he's so good he owns a knitting shop.

Lesson ten: It's addictive
Like a grommet surfer trying for just one last wave before they call it a day, I'm one of the last to leave the pub and continue to knit when I get home. Without Hutchison to correct my mistakes – 'Giiiill, what am I doing wrooong? – I make the fatal mistake of pulling out 'just a row' to fix some missed stitches. The whole thing unravels and I'm left with a crinkled bit of yarn. I refrain from hurling the lot against the wall and take a deep breath before starting again. Remember: knitting's for life, just not for hipster trends.

I Knit London presents the UK Stitch 'n' Bitch Day, this Saturday at the Royal National Hotel. 'Making Stuff: An Alternative Craft Book' is out now from Black Dog Publishing, priced £16.95.