Clubs

Not everyone likes nightclubs. This isn’t really surprising: they’re overcrowded, noisy places full of jostling, where preening trendies can lose their appeal, but sometimes it’s the promoters who would prefer to be somewhere else. Carl Hill is one of them, so in the finest tradition of London’s nightlife hosts, he’s created parties he’d enjoy himself.

In 2005, he and Mike Toller launched Feeling Gloomy, the Saturday-nighter where melancholy pop and tearful torch songs were (and are) the unlikely attraction. In late 2006 , they added Club de Fromage, a weekly, cheesy pop odyssey. More recently, Hill has gone into overdrive, presenting Down With Dating in Hammersmith each month (‘It’s a huge hit with the girls,’ he says) and co-hosting a monthly cock-rock night, Sniff The Glove, to indulge his love of air guitar posing and ’90s Whitesnake videos. Perhaps, more worryingly, he’s just teamed up with a ‘Mikey’ to launch Watch Out Mother: ‘the club that thinks it’s a kids’ TV show!’
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The premise at Watch Out Mother is that incurably jaunty presenters, Mikey and Andy, were sacked from kids’ telly after an ‘incriminating incident’, but they love the entertainment industry so much they’re taking their glove-puppets and bouncy castles, their custard pies and Space Hopper races to a club where bigger kids go out to play.

Hill gets to play a different role at each event. There’s mummy’s boy Cliff at Feeling Gloomy, the self-regarding nightclub boss Alan Martini (Club de Fromage), rock god Dave ‘Wildman’ Pickles (Sniff The Glove), and middle-aged northern TV presenter Andy. While not exactly losers, they’re all characters with human frailties who will never quite realise their dreams – fact fans should note that Pickles’ band did come second in the UK Air Guitar Championships. Consequently, as Hill himself puts it, ‘There’s no bigger prick in the clubs than me, so that generally puts people at their ease. I’m doing a public service by behaving in a manner that’s slightly weird.’

Putting this public service notion to the test, we called Watch Out Mother! hosts Mikey and Andy to find out about their concept of nightlife fun…

How will you make sure things don’t get too messy?
Andy: ‘The club is an extension of the TV show, so there will be chaotic goings-on – but I’ve got my whistle, so nothing really bad can happen.’

Why is silliness important?
Andy: ‘It helps people to relax, doesn’t it? And they enjoy their night more. We’re there to facilitate that and make them have fun. We’re not the fun police, don’t get me wrong, no one will be forced to have fun, but if they’re not looking like they’re having fun, Mikey might come round and tickle them.’
Mikey: ‘Nothing untoward, mind!’

So it won’t be balloon drops and party games all night long?
Mikey: ‘Oh no! People come out to dance and we’ve got DJ Joe Egg to play pop and indie classics from Stevie Wonder to Wham! and The White Stripes.'

What do you expect will be the top five tunes?
Andy: ‘The Banana Splits’ theme! “I Should Be So Lucky” by Kylie, that’ll be another big one. “This Charming Man” by The Smiths. “My Girl” by Madness and the Pet Shop Boys covering the Village People in “Go West”.'

Any other surprises?
Andy: ‘Mikey’s prepared a fitness work-out that he’ll do in his lamé shorts.’
Mikey: ‘Yes, the routine is designed to counter the obesity epidemic.’
Andy: ‘Kids' TV is always educational as well, so we’ll be trying to enlighten the lazy, unkempt, fat youth of today on how to keep fit, and confiscating any crisps or chocolate they may bring in to the club (it’s for their own good).’

What’s missing from clubbing if it needs Watch Out Mother?
Mikey: ‘A bouncy castle!’
Andy: ‘Yes! Inflatables, custard pies and men dressed in red blazers.’

Watch Out Mother is at the Astoria 2 on Apr 4 Feeling Gloomy is at Bar Academy on Apr 5; Club de Fromage is at Islington Academy on Apr 5; Sniff The Glove is at Carling Academy on Apr 18.