Alfie Brown’s top ten stand-up comedians

‘I’m writing this in a cafe and there is a man opposite me eating a tuna baguette, languid and open-mouthed. It’s fucking horrible, and it’s making it hard for me to say all the lovely things I need to say about Jessie… I am completely in awe of her. I have never met anyone that has such direct access to their own honesty and that’s what makes her art in all its forms beautiful. She is also good at making babies, watching box-sets with, and sex generally.’

Watch a clip of Jessie Cave

‘Oh God! It’s disgusting you can see flecks of tuna-mayo swirling in the lower carriage of his jaw… The once precocious and now just cocious comedian Ivo Graham has been one of my favourite comics and people since he was 18. If you saw his jokes written down you would know that they were his. That’s the mark of someone excellent.’

Watch a clip of Ivo Graham

‘He’s now casually drinking full-fat Coke like it isn’t poison… This absolutely terrible star-fucker is a wonderful comedian. Alex’s routines are structurally impeccable. I’ve learned a lot from his moaning at me after my shows about being “tighter” and that he wanted to hear my jokes, not spend 20 minutes hearing me admonishing the bar staff for shaking cocktails and ruining my set.’

Watch a clip of Alex Edelman

‘He’s gone back to work now… Jimmy McGhie – born James – has melty eyes. He’s sensationally funny. A truly wonderful ability to bring to life the absurdity of the mundane with brilliant language.’

Watch a clip of Jimmy McGhie

‘You’ll just have to see him. I don’t know what he’s going to gaffer-tape to himself next. Most comedians’ favourite comedian, and we’ve got the best taste.’

Watch a clip of Mat Ewins

‘Luisa’s shows are stand-up events. She is another whose incredible ability to perform brings to life her soul. She deserves every bit of her success and is an incredible comic original.’

Watch a clip of Luisa Omielan

‘The only comedian who I get the feeling I could watch for seven hours and not get bored. The third comedian on the list who I’ve kissed.’

Watch a clip of Joe Lycett

‘I’ve never seen him but I hear he’s excellent. Although I can’t really trust that he’s the best. A grown man who likes Ben Folds Five that much can’t be a true great, can he? Email me.’

Watch a clip of Daniel Kitson

‘He made me want to be a stand-up. All the romance of a troubled Richard Yates character but absolutely hilarious. Making everyday life tragic and beautiful and ridiculous.’

Watch a clip of Dylan Moran

‘I often wonder, in the ’60s when The Beatles were making records, what the other bands of the time must have felt. For another artist or band to be that consistently and objectively better; to be inventing and reinventing and for it seemingly never to stop. You get the point. Lee’s clearly the best. But with being the best comes a foundation that you lay for others; to be inspired and to move forward with you, from you. Not everyone is ripping you off… Okay. Doing this list almost gave me a nervous breakdown. It’s impossible to put ten people in order. Fuck. Ask me again next week and it could be different, or come and argue the toss with me at Soho Theatre by buying a ticket to one of my entertaining and reasonably priced shows.’

Watch a clip of Stewart Lee