Comedy

‘Lost’ or ‘Desperate Housewives’?
As a friend observed when ‘Lost’ was first trailed: ‘Oh, not another fucking brilliant American series.’ I’ve come late to so many of the sensational imports that I made a real effort with these two. ‘Housewives’ was wonderful but the second series was a serious disappointment so, despite being occasionally irritating, it’ll have to be ‘Lost’. I have a theory that they’re actually stranded on ‘The Lost Islands’ from the 1970s Australian kids show. Mark my words, the Mighty Q will be the cliff-hanger to Series 3! Still miss Boone, though. Too beautiful to live.

Routemaster or bendy bus?
Routemaster. Transport of delight. Incredibly practical, gorgeous and the essence of London. The evil bendy was clearly thought up by some pin-head who never uses the bus and didn’t realise that the Routemasters kept the city moving. I am routinely trapped on the 38 now, only yards from the stop, because the driver isn’t allowed to open the doors in advance. Makes me spit! Feature continues

Summer or winter?
The lovely run-up to Christmas, though the smoky smells of Halloween and Bonfire Night were always my favourites and as a child I found summer so endless and dull. As I get older, though, I positively shrink from the dark evenings and long for the summer. And now they play carols in shops in September, kids say ‘trick or treat’ instead of ‘penny’ for Halloween and you never see the apostrophe in Halloween and soon it really will be Christmas every day. Bah. Humbug.

Daniel Craig or Pierce Brosnan?
Both! Pierce had a brilliant quality – smoothness with a hard edge – making him a sort of Roger Connery, which is probably what the public would most like to see. I’m beyond excited about ‘Casino Royale’ and hope it makes billions. Periodically the producers announce they’re ‘going back to the books’ and that’s laudable, but it remains to be seen whether the public really do want their Bonds grimmer, tougher and less formulaic.

PE for kids or being fat?
A complete volte-face here. When I was a kid, miserable and freezing on the football pitch, I’d have given anything to be able to do community service or whatever it is they get away with these days. But would you look at children now? They’re MASSIVE! For God’s sake, get them outside for a bit of fresh air and a run about.

John Humphrys or Sarah Montague?
How libellous can I be? Suffice to say that when a certain person’s appallingly shallow interview technique is in evidence then the ‘Today’ programme is almost unbearable. That braying laugh! That hectoring voice! A once-great broadcasting institution often reduced to tabloid fluff. ‘Newsround’ has more gravitas. But Humphrys I like.

Heat magazine or being murdered?
Being murdered would be entirely preferable. Heat and all its ilk are carcinogenic: twisted, nasty, luxuriating in their own dumbness, condemning everyone for being too fat, too thin, or daring to have spots. Worst of all, they make a sort of Faustian pact with the runners-up from four Big Brothers ago in a conspiracy to convince the world they’re still famous.

Mark Gatiss’s latest Lucifer Box novel, ‘The Devil in Amber’, is published by Simon & Schuster at £15