Comedy

Favourite city in the world?
San Francisco. It’s extremely chilled but it has a nice dark underbelly as well. I find it extremely easy to do nothing there – to take a notebook out and sit in a café or a bar and scribble life’s little thoughts and inadequacies.

What was the first powerful piece of TV you watched?
‘Threads’, the ’80s nuclear war drama. I saw it recently and was very glad I didn’t see it in my youth. I would have been in therapy for the rest of my life if I’d realised how close we were at that time. I think I’d rather have been killed in the blast than live with the aftermath.
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Do you believe in an afterlife?
I do on certain days. There is something more spiritual to us than what we are on this earth, but how you access it I’m not sure. I’m rediscovering my faith at the moment, I’ve just found a new priest in the neighbouring diocese who might be the man to get me back into the fold.

What are the best and worst things about your job?
The worst thing is what I’m doing at the moment, which is trying to get to grips with the first draft of a series I’m co-writing with my friend Tony Pitts. We’re at that stage of trying not to offend each other if we don’t like the other’s ideas. The best part is being given the facilities to sit down and write if I want to. I also love doing other people’s material.

What’s the worst thing a critic has said about you?
Someone said my stand-up was ‘like being stuck at a bus stop with a drunk and the bus never arriving’. That was what I was aiming for, so I think he missed the point. Also, someone said not only was ‘…Potato Men’ the worst film, but that I was the ugliest actor working in Britain. That one nearly drove me to the Priory.

Weirdest story you have ever heard about yourself?
I love the way my weight fluctuates in the newspapers. It was 18 stone and then people look at a bad picture of me and add a few more stone on. I think the highest was 22 stone.

Tell us about your most extreme perversion?
Daydreaming about being on ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ – and then when I come to I’ve shat everywhere. That and gluing small animals and insects on to paper planes, which I still do.

Most extravagant thing you’ve ever bought?
I’ve bought about 5,000 greeting cards over the years. I aim to have one for every single eventuality or situation, but they only end up piled in a box.

What’s your favourite TV theme?
‘King Of The Hill’.

Who would you interview on your own chat show?
Dustin Hoffman. I think he’s reached that point in his career where it’s not about withholding anything. He seems to be embracing life.

Who is better than you at what you do?
Is this a nine-page feature? Stewart Lee for the writing; Daniel Kitson for stand-up and Paddy Considine for the acting.

You have an hour to kill in London, what do you do?
Have I got to go to a meeting afterwards? If not, I would take myself along to the Century Club and expand that hour into two days of hedonism, breadsticks and shouting at lawyers.