Comedy

The first and last time I demonstrated about anything was just before the invasion of Iraq in February 2003. I took to the streets with my mate Steve and about a million other people. It felt great. We were standing up and being counted – obviously the police only counted about a third of us but that wasn’t the point.

As we all know, just days after that, Tony Blair had a rethink about this unjustified and un-winnable conflict, decided to tell George Bush to go shove it, and we all lived happily ever after in a safer and more tolerant world. After such a successful inaugral demonstration I more or less retired from public disobedience until I caught up with comedian and activist Mark Thomas. For the past 18 months he’s been campaigning against the Serious Organised Crime and Police Act 2005 which, among other things, restricts our right to protest anywhere near Parliament without asking for written permission from the police. His main tool in this struggle has been a huge amount of approved demonstrations.
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‘Free speech is the cornerstone to every right we have,' says Thomas. 'The demos are a legal way of using this law’s stupidity against itself. The demos can be whatever people want: fun, silly, serious, inane, clever. That’s the point of free speech. We should do one together.’

I warn him that after my previous triumph I'm slightly afraid of my almost preternatural ability to influence Westminster. He takes this to mean that I'm actually too lazy to bother filling in the forms and printing up a placard. ‘It’s okay, that’s why we set up our protesting company, McDemos. It’s the easy way to demonstrate. You book your demo with our trained team of expert and experienced demonstrating staff and we do all the work. So you can sit back in the hot tub with your choice of cocktail, while we create world peace on your behalf.’

But what would I demonstrate about? ‘It could be about anything you want.’ Thomas’ enthusiasm is infectious. Could I protest against you?
‘That would be brilliant. And I’ll do a counter demo against you.’ Deal. McDemos is remarkably easy.

I visit mcdemos.com, send off some personal details, a nominal fee and Bob’s your uncle. So at 8.30am on a freezing, wintery morning four days later, I find myself trudging down Horse Guards Parade to meet up with a very smiley Thomas and a police escort.

‘All right Tim, have you got your two forms of ID?’ PC Paul McInally asks. I nod, suddenly a little nervous. ‘Let’s see your poster, then.’ He reads the sign I’m somewhat sheepishly holding and smiles, gently shaking his head. ‘Come on then.’

McDemos is nothing if not thorough. I’m given a choice of two slogans. One reads ‘I don’t want to write about Mark Thomas’ and the other, which I end up choosing, says ‘Make God smile – kill a comedian’. It’s funny if a little harsh. I only really chose it to impress Thomas. His simply states ‘Cull critics not badgers’.

As we make our way through the security gates I become a little anxious. Why exactly are we doing this again? ‘To ridicule and challenge this law. If the police decide that the law is more of a burden than a boon then they will work with us to change it.’

What would be the ideal outcome? ‘To get rid of the Act and strengthen our right to protest and free speech. Oh, and bring about the downfall of international capitalism.’ A serious looking policeman with a gun walks past and reads my sign. ‘That shouldn’t say comedians, it should say politicians.’

We take up our positions about ten yards from the Prime Minister’s front door. What do these police officers make of Thomas? ‘I have had quite a bit of support from some of them. I really like PC Paul McInally and PC Gary West, in fact I get on well with all the folk at Charing Cross Special Events.’

After we complete our brief vigil we prepare to go our separate ways. Obviously, now I’ve been involved it’ll be all be over by Christmas and Thomas can move on to something new. In the past he’s led campaigns against Coca-Cola, the arms trade, hydro-electric dams and many other public evils. How does he choose what’s next?

‘I have a small Thai boy who dresses me and every year I let him pick what campaign I am going to work on. It saves me having to worry about it and, bless him, it makes him feel involved in the struggle for global liberation.’

Of course, always the gentleman.

Mark Thomas is appearing in ‘More Adventures in Serious Crime’ at The Venue from Dec 1-15.