Comedy

On the left, Pappy's Fun Club (Matthew Crosby, Brendan Dodds, Ben Clark, Tom Parry); on the right, Idiots of Ants (Andrew Spiers, James Wrighton, Benjamin Wilson, Elliot Tiney)

It’s a little-known fact that every generation of sketch comedians has a dominant tribe of badasses, funny men and women who take on all comers in the comedy ring and KO contenders with their superior wit and tip top timing. The hall of fame contains such legendary names as The Goons, Monty Python, ‘Not the Nine O’Clock News’, ‘The Fast Show’, ‘The League of Gentlemen’ and ‘Little Britain’. But who will be the belt-winners of the new comedy year?

To find out, Time Out comedy promotions presents the first ‘Annual Sketch Comedy Smackdown’, direct from Boxing London gym in Hornsey. Let’s introduce the contenders…

In the blue corner: Pappy’s Fun Club
Comedy style: Loosey-goosey.
Ring credentials: Wacky, crazy, zany, offbeat and inspired. They’ve been together for three years and were shortlisted for an if.comedy Award in Edinburgh last year. To protect the innocent, we have used their real names, which are:
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Matthew Crosby: ‘I’m the member of Pappy’s called Matthew. I am apparently the controlling one.’

Tom Parry: ‘I’m the biggest one, in every sense.’

Ben Clark: ‘I’ve been called the ethereal one, but I don’t know what that means.’

Brendon Dodds: ‘I’m the chequebook of Pappy’s Fun Club, by which I think they mean I look a little like an accountant and play most of the straight roles.’

In the red corner: Idiots of Ants
Comedy style: Slick as a greased-up weasel.
Ring credentials: Precise, sharp, nicely dressed, charismatic and astonishing. They have only been around for just over a year, but have already received rave reviews for their quirky brand of intelligent humour. Dressed like the characters in ‘Reservoir Dogs’, these guys come complete with a designer logo, mugs, T-shirts and even belt buckles. They are:

James Wrighton: ‘I’m the one most likely to be cast as Wally if there’s ever a film made of “Where’s Wally?”.’

Andrew Spiers: ‘I’m the one most likely to be a cockney taxi driver.’ Due, presumably, to his preternatural sense of direction.

Elliott Tiney: ‘I’m the short one and therefore the butt of most of the jokes.’

Benjamin Wilson: ‘I’m the humblest one and mostly likely to become president of the world.’

The competition consisted of three rounds; the prize was the ‘Time Out Comedy Smackdown Champions’ belt and the considerable bragging rights that go with it.

Idiots of Ants get psyched up

Round one – the joke-off
To test how they responded to pressure, each group was given the same three opening lines from a popular joke and five minutes to come up with amusing punchlines.

Pappy’s Fun Club
Time Out: ‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed a bone!’
PFC: ‘I don’t know why I swallowed a bone, perhaps I’ll die. I swallowed the bone to catch a fly.’
PFC: ‘Doctor: A bone won’t catch a fly!’ ‘Patient: I know, my day is literally riddled with errors.’
TO: ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a bell!
PFC: ‘You are a bell! You swallowed a bone.’
TO: ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing an insect everywhere I go!’
PFC: ‘That’s surprising – I thought you’d swallowed a bone to catch it.’

Idiots of Ants
TO: ‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed a bone!’
IOA: ‘Sounds ’armful.’
TO: ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a bell!’
IOA: ‘Perhaps you should go and see a psychiatrist, but if you’ve still got the symptoms tomorrow give me a ring. In the meantime though, let’s have a look at your dong.’
TO: ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing an insect everywhere I go!’
IOA: ‘That must be bugging you, perhaps it’s a stalk insect, I mean a stick insect – you see what we did. Like stalking.’

Verdict: A close-fought opening round, Idiots of Ants edge it on points for their cheap Christmas cracker-style responses and for gratuitous use of the word ‘dong’.

Round two – comedy intuition
A large part of good comedy is the ability to read an audience, so psychic powers tend to come in useful. I designed a simple game to test the teams’ ESP, in which they had to guess a card picked at random. They closed their eyes and went into a trance-like state, trying to channel help from comedians past. I could have sworn Kenneth Williams’ ghost entered Elliott just before he squealed his guess. Idiots of Ants offered the six of spades, six of hearts, six of diamonds and six of clubs.

Elliott: ‘At least if it’s a six we’ve got it covered.’

Pappy’s Fun Club tried a more scatter-gun approach with the ace of spades, seven of hearts, jack of diamonds and the ten of clubs. To everyone’s surprise, the card was the queen of clubs. Deadlock.

‘Can’t we just pick the highest cards?’ Brendan asked.

‘Are aces high?’ wondered Matthew.

‘They are indeed,’ I answered.

‘Then I’ve won. Ace of clubs.’

Verdict: A comeback for Pappy’s Fun Club. It’s one round all and you could cut the tension with a knife.

Pappy's Fun Club show no fear

Round three – Bop It Extreme
Timing is said to be the secret of great comedy, along with co-ordination and looking funny, so for the final round we threw each team’s champion into the ring for a head-to-head battle on children’s game Bop It Extreme.

A hush descended as Brendan and Benjamin squared up. I tossed a coin to see who would be first to face the annoyingly addictive electronic toy that I’d borrowed from my daughter. I gave them a brief demonstration, more to show them how good I am at it than by way of instruction.

‘The Chequebook’ began well, responding to the Bop It’s commands by flicking, pulling and pressing when required, but was distracted by the glint from an Idiots of Ants member’s belt buckle and pulled when he should have twisted. He scored 23. Benjamin cracked his knuckles and laughed in a pitying way before scoring a pathetic four. I thought he was going to cry so I gave him a sneaky second go. He wound up with 14.

Verdict: The deciding round and champions’ belt goes to Pappy’s Fun Club!

After the fight, the fallout. Pappy’s Fun Club strode off into the night with a swagger you only get from victory or rickets. Idiots of Ants slunk away to lick their wounds – but not before getting the last word.

‘They may have won the battle,’ Elliott rasped as he entered the shadows. ‘But who will win the war?’

Pappy’s Fun Club and Idiots of Ants will be performing together at the Pleasance Theatre on Jan 25.

With thanks to the Islington Boys Boxing Club and www.boxinglondon.co.uk.