Comedy

Smug Marrieds | Cool Couples | Saucy Singles | Haters

Smug Marrieds
Valentine’s supper at Octave Jazz Club
Good jazz can melt the hardest of hearts and mask the most awkward of silences. Whatever the state your long-term relationship, there’s not many who can resist fine food and seductive sounds. Kick off with a Champagne cocktail and relax to the strains of singer-songwriter Christine Tobin.

'Brief Encounter'
More ’40s fun with classic weepie ‘Brief Encounter’ which first graced the Haymarket’s silver screen in 1946. Now it’s back, jazzed-up with a live stage production of Noël Coward’s original play. Tuck a hankie in the sleeve of your cardie in case you blub. Feature continues

Tribute To Billie Holiday with Dune Records
We all know that when you get married you age overnight, so this should fit the bill perfectly for that rare evening out. Dune Record’s annual Valentine’s bash pays homage to the tragic yet inspiring figure that was Billie Holiday.

Spice-up your marriage with Tango Por Dos

Tango Por Dos
The world’s sexiest dance is in vogue once more. Turn the heat up with tickets to this twentieth anniversary production from Argentina's top tango company. Then practice in the comfort of your own home.

Relight the fire
Sick of cosy evenings at home? Splash some cash on a night out at one of London’s most romantic restaurants, followed by a (rare) night of marital passion in a luxury hotel.

Smug Marrieds | Cool Couples | Saucy Singles | Haters

Cool Couples
Late at Tate: Juan Muñoz
If culture be the food of love, then this highly rated exhibition should do wonders for your lust levels. Cool couples can strut their way around Muñoz’s eerily engaging sculptures, open late on February 15.

'It looks tiny through this.' 'No – that's about right.' © Tom Gilbert

Photography tour for Star-Struck Lovers
Everyone looks chic with a camera slung casually around their neck. Give your trigger finger a work-out on this London-wide photo tour which takes in everything from the biggies such as Tower Bridge to secret nooks and crannies.

Healer Selecta St Valentine's Special
Dust off your vintage dancing shoes and swing out to the leftfield sounds of MySpace fave Healer Selecta, the brains behind the fashionable Raison d’Etre sessions. With live performances and racy beats this is the party to check.

The Language of Love
Head to the National Gallery for an evening of poetry and performance from the pen of highly-regarded poet, Anne Harvey. Billed as an anthology of words and music it promises a superior alternative to the gush found on greeting cards.

Carnaby Kiss
Only the coolest couples have made it into fashion photographer Gregg Stone’s Valentine’s Day display of kisses caught on camera on Carnaby Street. Go and see if you made the grade.

The Roxy Bar & Screen Valentine’s Masked Ball
One for glamour-junkies everywhere. This decadent, boudoir-like venue will be sultrified with candlelight, slinky house music and classic romantic movies playing on the big screen.

'Casablanca' and dinner at the ICA
The sleek, minimalist surroundings of the ICA are guaranteed to set hipster hearts aflutter. Throw in a screening of retro classic ‘Casablanca’, followed by dinner at their stylish Peyton & Byrne restaurant and a successful V Day is assured.
Enter our competition to win this seductive package.

Romantic spontaneity
If you’re far too cool to, like, book somewhere (but secretly enjoy the idea of gazing at your lover’s fashion-friendly threads over a cosy meal) then browse our selection of London’s best restaurants that don’t take reservations.


Smug Marrieds | Cool Couples | Saucy Singles | Haters

Vauxhallville's Cupid Bear © Mike Kear

Saucy Singles
Mingle/Late Date
Meet like-minded others in the cerebral surroundings of the British Library. Singles can enjoy late access to the explosive exhibition ‘Breaking The Rules: The Printed Face of The European Avant Garde 1900-1937’. They’ve even laid on a flirting guru and there’s a host of stimulating games, trails and giveaways. It's the day before the dreaded February 14, so if it goes really well, you can still do something cheesy on the night itself.

I Smell Love
Love at first sniff is the theme of this pop-science night where aroma scientist George Dodd will demystify why individuals find particular smells attractive.

Covent Garden Comedy Club Valentine's Night Special
Laughter is the best love-lubricant around and this tongue-in-cheek session promises to get singles' sides splitting all across town. There’s a cracking comedy line-up, dance music DJs and free chocolate for the ladies. Dinner is an optional extra.

Animal Magnetism
Seek out similarly minded singles over a glass of wine at at the zoologically preoccupied Grant Museum. A talk will reveal the tricks animals use when they’re on the pull – such as those employed by spiders, which offer the female of their species a silk-wrapped animal to occupy her during mating.

Look good on the barn dancefloor (© andyimages.com)

Cut A Shine Barn Dating Valentine's Ball
Where else could you utter the immortal chat-up line ‘bet you look good on the barn dancefloor’. Don your gingham, grab the best-looking partner in the room and do-si-do the night away.

VauxhallVille : Valentine's Special – A Masked Ball
Feeling down in the dating dumps? Why not put your fate in VauxhallVille’s hands? The cabaret kings have put together an outrageous evening featuring Nathaniel’s infamous Emotional Striptease and love ditties from the RVT’s Diva In Residence Gill Manly. Come wearing a mask, and not much else!

Love and Lust: Art for Valentine's Night
Have a look at some prints especially chosen for Valentine's night – from Hogarth's dens of iniquity to idyllic pastorals. Find out more with a talk on them and have a glass of wine.

Dating offer
If all else fails and you’re gazing into the abyss of endless singledom, why not dip a virtual toe into the internet dating pool with our enticing offer.


Smug Marrieds | Cool Couples | Saucy Singles | Haters

Feel the hate; drink the coffee

Haters
Down With Dating
Perfect anti-Valentine's misery at this night of ‘dating with added hating’. Brush up on your very best bile-spewing for the legendary 'Speed Hating' round, and ask the questions that really matter in ‘Blind Hate’ (like, ‘If I left you, which of my pets would you kill first, and why?’).

Falling Down with Laughter – Anti-Valentine's Night
A suitably dark and twisted line-up featuring the exquisitely evil Andrew Lawrence, rising star Holly Walsh, James Kettle, Robert White, Tom Walker and MCs Alexis Dubus and Sy Thomas.

Bitterness... and a venetian blind

'The Lover'/'The Collection'
Nobody does bitterness better than Pinter. These sinister tales of twisted emotions, spiky sex and betrayal star Gina McKee in suitably slinky form and a waspish Timothy West. The perfect antidote to saccharine sentimentality.

My Ex-Boyfriend’s Records Valentine’s Special
The ex-boyfriend’s (broken) records are a clue. Perfect for scorned lovers everywhere this art-punk session features the skills of Arcade Fire-influenced The Strange Death of Liberal England and DJ turns from Good Shoes and Maximo Park. Look out for the ‘I never loved you anyway’ freebie T-shirts.

The Last Tuesday Society's Hendrick's Loss; Valentine’s Day Ball
Held in the seventeenth-century vaults of a City firm, this marvellously melancholic gathering begins with a talk by Independent agony aunt Virginia Ironside on dealing with a broken heart. Melancholy music and readings from The Sad Poets Society soundtrack the ball, whose dress code is ‘decaying beauty’

The Bleeding Heart's ‘anti-seasonal’ walk
Exercise is great for banishing rage, so why not stomp off on this misery march hosted by the South East London Folklore Society which covers more than two miles of the black heart of London. The mood is lifted with the comfort-food finale in the Old King’s Head pub in Borough.

Or, finally...
If you're still determined to defy the marketers and stay in on this most cheesy of nights, then why not do it in style and save a packet into the bargain? We've managed to secure a suitably decadent Valentine's hamper packed with goodies including two bottles of Moët Brut, lobster for two, chocolates, flute glasses and a single rose. Win this passion-starting package.