Comedy

Hey, everybody we’re Pappy’s Fun Club! We’re a sketch team comprising Ben, Brendan, Matthew and Tom. You may have heard us on Radio 4 (on a show called ‘Pappy’s Fun Club’) or on Radio 1’s ‘Switch’. Maybe you saw us on ‘Comedy Shuffle’ on BBC3? Perhaps you have seen us live? Though it’s perhaps most likely that you haven’t seen or heard of us before, which is why we are introducing ourselves.

Friday, 7am
Brendan Our rich and mysterious benefactor, Pappy, has put us up in a lovely ex-council flat in London’s most exclusive and up-and-coming district: Streatham. I like to be the first one up at Pappy Towers so I can begin inputting the data into my ‘hours slept’ spreadsheet. Unfortunately, this morning I was trumped by Ben, who was already awake as I left my room. He normally doesn’t get up until well into the afternoon. How did he do it? Feature continues

Ben I didn’t go to bed last night, I was up all night cow tipping. Well, I would have been had I been able to find any cows in south London. In the end I decided to go fly tipping, which was far less fun, though I did manage to get rid of our old washing machine.

Tom For breakfast this morning I made and ate a tasty bread-and-butter pudding. I used my grandma’s recipe: four pints of milk and three loaves of bread.

Matthew Woke up last and was dismayed to discover that someone had used all the bread and milk. I’ve no idea how that happened. I’d only just bought four pints of milk and three loaves of bread. Stranger still, when I went to take my clothes out of the washing machine, it had disappeared.

10am
Tom The first thing we do each day is complete our chores. To help speed things up we select music to play. It was my turn to pick today’s song.

Matthew Tom’s choice, the ‘Chariots of Fire’ theme tune, slowed ‘chore time’ to a near halt. It’s very difficult to buff brass in slow motion.

Brendan Took the bins out and emptied the dishwasher on ‘Chores 2’, my new game for the Nintendo DS. Finished the level just as the boys were wrapping up the housework.

Ben The toaster was so dirty I decided to take it into the bath with me for a thorough clean.

12noon
Matthew Shortly after we had resuscitated Ben, Pappy rang. He calls us every day at midday to tell us the location of that evening’s gig. Which is fine if the gig is local, but more problematic if it’s in, say, Melbourne.

Ben I do hope we get to meet Pappy one day. I always think of him living in his ivory castle on a Himalayan slope possessing magical creatures and a gold bag.

Brendan Pappy lives in a care home in Putney. I would tell the boys but I’m sworn to secrecy.

3pm
Brendan We have soome spare time. I log on to check how my cyber-self is getting on in ‘Second Life’. Alarmed to find my avatar is spending too much time on the computer in his virtual world. Note to self: must spend more time online to ensure he has a more rounded existence.

7pm
Brendan Journey to the gig was great. Ben did all the driving.

Ben Great journey. Brendan even let me sit in the special seat with the wheel. Slept all the way there.

Tom Sat next to Matthew on the trip. Entertained him for the whole journey with my brilliantly silly songs. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe.

Matthew Had to sit next to Tom again. He insisted on singing his version of ‘Thriller’ for the entire journey, replacing the word thriller with rhyming words: vanilla, chinchilla, George Foreman griller, manilla (envelope), Sienna Miller, ‘GrooveJet’ by Spiller. I wanted to murder him. He didn’t even stop to help me when I had an asthma attack.

9.30pm
Brendan Our pre-gig ritual never changes. We gather in a circle and chant in unison, ‘At least we’re not gigging in Nottingham.’

Tom Our pre-gig ritual only changes if we’re playing in Nottingham, when we gather in a circle and chant, ‘We’re all going to die.’

Matthew The lights go up and it’s time for Pappy’s Fun Club to begin another exciting show. All we need now is Ben’s opening song.

Ben It’s only once the other Pappys are on stage that I realise I’ve forgotten the first line of the song. And the guitar. And to go on stage.

12midnight
Matthew Another great day for Pappy’s Fun Club. As we drift off to sleep I look over and smile at Tom and Ben snuggled up to an already-sleeping Brendan. Goodnight Pappys.

Brendan Wake up to find the other three have got into my bed again. Sleep on the floor.

Pappy’s Fun Club performs at Soho Theatre, Jun 5-7.