Comedy

Wassup in 2009? Are you ready to realign? You’re gonna shine – offline and online. Time to define and shine but not decline. Perhaps meet a Valentine, or even visit Liechtenstein?

Apparently there are enough self-help books published every week to cover the world with forest 38 times. Most of the books don’t get read – they’re not practical. My book is. It’s not just talk-talk, it’s do-do. Everything I say is do-do. It’s based on lots of research, some of it carried out by other people. Feature continues

For example, Professor William Trankin of the Jimmy Connors Institute of Business and Tennis in San Diego found ‘76 per cent of what we do can be put down to our behaviors’ (or behaviours, in English). It’s great to be writing in a London magazine, spreading the word beyond the ‘succeeder triangle’ – the area bound by Luton, Watford and Stevenage. It’s our answer to Silicon Valley. We can match anything there. They’ve got Hewlett-Packard, Apple and eBay. We’ve got London Luton airport.

It’s the beginning of a new year, time to stop wallowing in your comfort zone. Book your train ticket outta there right now – and don’t buy a return, even if it’s cheaper than a single.

So, here are my top nine tips for 2009:

1. Buy a copy of my book
The more you buy, the more successful you will be. Here’s a graph which proves it. There’s lots of good advice on how to make an impact, how to give good meeting or finding the upside of your backside.

2. Get a life coach
Without a coach there is no life. You need a coach. Maybe me? Currently, I have gaps on Tuesday morning, Thursday afternoon and Friday. I’m offering a ‘credit Crunchie’ (snack size) free with every coaching session.

3. Conduct a friendship audit
Do you end up seeing friends you don’t really like? Cut out the dead wood. Ask yourself, ‘What use is this person to me?’ Think about your friends from a business perspective. Do they provide cash (buy drinks)? Have merger opportunities (they have some sexy friends)? Or are they tarnishing your brand (being seen with them puts off potential romantic partners)? The friendship/business synergy paradigm can work the other way round, too. For example, you might be able to outsource some activities connected with relationships. One year I allowed a valued client (a ten-pin bowling alley) to ‘sponsor’ Valentine’s Day. My wife and I simply had to wear their branded T-shirts all day and we were given a free lane that evening. Sadly, we separated a few days later.

4. Don’t be a guiltoholic
Remember: guilty feet have got no rhythm.

5. Become hair aware
Have you sorted your Tong Shui (the Feng Shui of hair)? Is your hair aligned to your goals? I keep the dragon of failure off my back with a ponytail. Ask yourself some simple questions: ‘Does a side-parting work for me?’ ‘Is a bob just the job?’ ‘Feather-cut or bed-head: which is better in a downturn?’ ‘Sideburns: yes or no? (If yes, should they be those ones that come to a sharp point?)’ ‘Why not try our half-day workshop, “Backcomb to the future?” ’

6. Embrace email
Some companies have ‘email-free Friday’. I find the opposite works. At one organisation I instituted ‘email only Monday’,  where employees were not allowed to speak to one other and had to communicate solely via email. That hospital is doing really well now.

7. Work a workout into your work
Meetings can be bad for the succeeder’s health. It’s not good to sit still for too long, eating biscuits sitting in nonergonomic chairs around a table of laptops (and lapdogs). Keep active while talking. It’s essential to keep the body engaged as well as the mind, so I created Meet-ercise©. Why not hold your meeting in the gym? Or in the sauna? Or playing British Bulldog?

8. Face up to your face
Moisturising is vital to success. Girls have understood this for years. Boys are catching up. Why not try some guyliner – eyeliner for men? It’s useful for certain situations, such as giving a presentation under very bright lights, at Halloween and dealing with political canvassers. But remember: think outside the Botox. To look younger, guys and gals, follow my ‘Make your Face Fit©’ exercise regime. This is an easy to follow daily succeeder facial workout. To keep things simple, I have named each movement in honour of a current affairs personality: Huw Edwards: Move lip up and down. Evan Davis: Eyes wide open and shut. George Alagiah: Roll from the shoulders. Emily Maitlis: Eyebrows up and down. Robert Peston: Keep the jaw going for a long time without saying anything.

9. Practise silence
I use ‘succeeder silence’ whenever possible – in coaching sessions, keynote speeches and that court case. I have found that silence is a great weapon in negotiation, coaching and a failing marriage.

‘Don’t Be Needy Be Succeedy: The A to Zee of Motivitality by L Vaughan Spencer’ is published by Profile Books, priced £8.99. Watch videos and contact him at www.thesucceeder.com (or via Facebook). He regrets he cannot enter into personal correspondence (unless there is cash involved).