Comedy

Fight or flight | Sex education | Cannibalism | Manners | Blaggers

Routine 5: ‘People who love getting stuff for free, no matter what it is’

' "But it’s shit," is normally my response'

‘The best things in life are free’: Janet Jackson, circa 1990. Janet obviously hasn’t read any free London newspapers. There seems to be an attitude that just because something is free means you should take it. The free newspaper pushers that gather outside tube stations in central London have this argument: ‘But it’s free!’ they say, when you refuse to take one. ‘But it’s shit,’ is normally my response. You might as well take rubbish from a bin and pass it to me using your ‘but it’s free!’ logic. ‘A half-eaten sandwich and an apple core?’ ‘No thanks, I’ve already eaten. Oh, it’s free you say? Well, come to think of it, I am still a little peckish.’ I think that free newspapers are just litter. One of them has ‘Spot the difference’ in it. There are grown men on the tube thinking: ‘She has shoes… She also has shoes. So, it’s not the shoes.’ Are they kidding?

But we simply can’t help ourselves. The attraction of something for nothing is often just too strong. Supermarkets take great advantage of this with ‘buy one get one free’ promotions. I recently went to one with my shopping list. Bananas were not on it. Then I saw a bunch of bananas that were ‘buy one get one free’. Two bunches of bananas for the price of one! So, I bought the bananas. I didn’t want one banana, now I had two bunches! Feature continues